Now, as I read back over Book 1, I cringe, truly. This was at a time when I was experimenting, unusre as to whether I had a talent at this sort of thing. I was so nervous posting that I did the first 5 chapters and uploaded them in one go! Now, 5 years down the line, I read it over and hate what I have written.

Why? Several reasons, which fall under three categories.

1) Basic writing errors - These range from the mundane (tense mix up), to the intermediate (typos and completely missing words out, and to the extreme (narrator voice using personalisms like '-chan' etc). While I'm still guilty as any other author for the typos and missing words, I have to say that the tenses are no longer badly done. The narrator errors are no longer an issue, my having figured out that neutrality was necessary. However I do not have the time to go back over the series to correct them.

2) Characters and personalities - A major failing on my side, I honestly don't know how things could've been so drastic. I managed to make Motoko fall almost completely head over heels in love with Keitaro by the fifth chapter, which, while an ultimate goal for a Motoko/Keitaro story, should happen this early. Other huge mistakes include Suu speaking like a scholar, even I don't speak like her sometimes! While I like to imagine that she has that side to her, we never see it in the manga or anime. She also always uses 'Suu' instead of I in her speech. I even have her speaking Latin at odd points (the language used when she closed the door to her room). Shinobu, Mitsune and Naru, I'm thankful to say are mostly in character, though there are points when they deviate. Keitaro sadly is far too 'cool' for his own good, his subsconscious mind an obvious example. He isn't as clumsy and doesn't overreact in bad ways (like when Mitsune teases him) as often...

This is the main reason for my lack of updates, as I feel I have done the colourful characters of Hinata-sou a disfavour by personifying them in this way, that is to say, OOC. I'm ashamed to admit that I'm more or less guilty of that crime, and this was in Book 1!

3) Cliches, wish fulfillment, and bad writing style - A long description, but fairly self-explanatory. Cliches include scene that mimic the manga perfectly, with just subtle changes, the wish fulfillment coming out in the form of Keitaro acting a lot more intelligent than he really is. When the girls also display more tolerance to his actions dilutes the effect of Hinata-sou, since misunderstandings are what keep the story going. The ACC in Book 2 (guy in black fighting against the Yakuza in Kyoto) was another display, I never realised that he was a little too perfect for his appearance. The writing style comes out in ways of long descriptive paragraphs, nowadays I like to split them up so they are easier on the eyes. Other simple things include conversations, using actions followed by commas or full stops? I Change them all the time, but I don't know the actual way to do it.

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So there you have it, these three reasons are the main deterrent to creating new chapters. The surprising side to all this is that people prefer Book 1, where the characters are quite literally, not acting themselves. Perhaps I just make it look natural, I doubt it given the skill I see in other stories. What I have to go against is the personalities of the new Hinata crew that I inadvertedly created, and somehow write them in the story normally. As I know their real characters better, this often leads to confusion for me. Motoko's backsliding feelings are THE major example of this, as now she is acting more like she was in the manga, as is everyone else.

Regardless, I will still try to continue, I'm on my third page as we speak, and it is coming out easier than before, but I'm trying to ignore my own 'fanon' so to speak, or at the very least, reduce it somewhat to normal levels. I can't rewrite the first two Books for fear of alienating my current readers, and the sheer amount of time it would take to do so.

As the saying goes: "The author's worst critic is himself."

This has mostly been an informative post for your benefit. However, I would love to hear from you, why do you like the story? Does it suffer from the stench of self-insertion? Are the characters so grossly out of proportion to their real personalities? Or am I being far too critical over my work, given that I started out only a month before the first 5 chapters were uploaded?

Any reply would be helpful, appreciated, and thought about. Thank you for your time.

Basic writing errors will almost always exist in written work; the only way to possibly overcome this is to have multiple pre-readers look through the chapters for these kinds of mistakes. Publishers have editors and proofreaders, so don't be so harsh on yourself. Art is never polished or truly finished, but rather a constantly changing expression of emotions. This "flaw," however, never detracts from it's beauty. It should be, in a morbid sense, a blessing that you see flaws within your writing. It shows a continuous analysis and development of your writing talent.

In regards to the OOC moments, you blend them into the story very subtly and adeptly, I might add. Personally, I don't see it so much as a complete rework of the manga, but rather an extension of it. To me, you extend and develop what Amatsu wrote and wanted to write. Amatsu himself stated that he liked Motoko's character the most and would have loved to develop her character even more. This is what your work does, in my belief. You add a new dimension to Motoko, building upon what Amatsu had in mind but never spent the time to develop. The story will always have to contain a trace amount of OOC in order to have this development, but this is what keeps the story so intriguing. Most readers know what happens in the mangas, and anxiously await your rendition of the events and how they affect Motoko and Keitaro.

Honestly, there were moments, such as the Yakuza incident, that seemed a bit over-the-top, but they didn't detract from the overall story. Your patience and continual development of writing style only serve to push on this great story onwards. The overall work surpasses the minor details.

At the end of the day, I can only tell you my thoughts. I believe your story is a work of art. It is my absolute favorite of any Love Hina piece. If it were to be drawn into a manga form by the original publishers, I truly believe it would be equivalent or even surpassing the original work. Motoko is a wonderful character, and you're doing a great job is keeping her in-character and still developing her in ways Amatsu never did. Blasphemy, I know. Anyways, I see your work as a fresh start for Keitaro and Motoko that is truly unique and wonderful. No matter how long it takes, I'll be here waiting for your updates. And if you ever want someone to read your work for you, I'm free. valiantxs40@hotmail.com This story is more than just a generic story, it also showcases your development as a writer, a development that honestly far exceeds most people. Your patience in continuing this story reflects in the work. The initial chapters set the story, and the refining process continues throughout.

I hope this provides some insight from the view of a reader. Sorry, my thoughts are quite jumbled. I guess this is why I'm a reader and not a writer. haha.

In the end, it's all quite simple really. Motoko and Keitaro. That's what it's all about. =)

Keep up the great work! And, remember, your readers are always here for you!

My personal opinion of the fiction, which is my current read, is dont let the readers tell you that you are wrong about how the story turns out in terms of out of characterness. You are the author. If you decide to kill all the characters, you have that right. And while readers may not like it, they cannot tell you that you should not or cannot do that. Even in continuations, the author has supreme authority over the events in the plot.

Now, to the specifics of the fiction itself. I greatly appreciate your dedication to the development of Motoko, as she and/or Keitaro are my favorite characters. What is disconcerting to me, however, is hw much you, so far, have based the plot upon the manga and/or anime.

I think it's an excellent take on the "what if" of Motoko x Keitaro line. I particularly appreciate how slowly the characters are growing in ways that surpass the original story. Personally, you're doing a fantastic job of pushing the story forward while staying true to the core concepts being the original characters. Naturally, since this is a "what if" you are allowed to change the characters, don't be afraid of that! However, staying true to the core characteristics also is important, it makes the story feel more like it actually belongs in the mind of the reader, instead of a lemon-filled, author-insertion, cross-over monstrosity.

Don't sweat the grammar and spelling, we're only human.

If you ever find the time or the desire, I'd love to see this story completed. That, or hand it off to another. Perhaps draw up an outline of what you wish the story to follow?

I've always been a fan of the KeixMot stories, they always seem so much more thought out. Naru was just too much of a wuss in the canon series to own up to her feelings, where at least Motoko has the fortitude to stay true to herself. I'd love to see this fantastic story completed. It's one of the best I've ever seen.

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