http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5226989/1/Kill_Switch

Read the first chapter, you can read what I thought in the review, but I still have to say this again, great job.

And this is the part where I get jealous of other people's skill. I wish I could write something so vivid. ;__;

(This post is the abridged, blunt version of the review I posted. Hah. Abridged. *shot*)

Wow... I wasn't expecting this. A whole forum topic for my story? Shucks... Thanks.

I sent replies to everyone who reviewed. Thank you very much for your feedback. If anyone ever has any questions about the plot or needs clarification on something, feel free to PM me or ask here.

I'm still not doing 100% so I don't know when the next update will be. Kill Switch is such a dark story and I don't want to be delving into dark plots in a mood like this. Though in retrospect, chapter one wasn't designed to be very dark... Oh well, I know no one will hold it against me.

-- SolidusDave

It's very surprising. I think he really is talented. The rest is in the review.

The first chapter is up. The reason why this took so long to update is because it’s actually 1/3 of the original chapter I had written. Running at close to 11,000 words, it was way too long for me to post so I chopped it into pieces instead. Truth be told, I'm not even finished with those pieces, lol.

...11,000 words, gaaaack! I don't think my word count will ever get that high...

Anyways, from what I've read of chapter 2 (...technically ch.1...) (I'm still reading it), it's great. More details in the Review That Will Soon Be.

btw, I've started to play this little game while I read it...It's called "Find All The Final Fantasy References." I'm having so much fun with this. X3

Hey, thanks for the review. Lol, I hope you're keeping score at home in regards to those FF references. I predict you'll break your high score in future chapters.

You know, I think there's a real restaurant here in the States called "Jiffy Burger". Though I gave it that name in the story just so I could use the phrase "jiffy quick" since I'm old school like that, lol.

I had a lot of fun scripting the dialogue between Axel and Roxas. I'm glad you got a kick out of it.

If you could just tell me where the spelling and grammar errors that you've spotted are, that be great.

Hahaha. X3

I dunno if it was me mistaking it for Jiffy Lube or something else, but either way that word is awesome. Jiiiiiiffy~ (I kept imagining Axel standing at the counter and the cashier guy would go "Welcome to Good Burger, home of the good burger, may I take your order?" Old shows are awesome like that XD)

“Can you blame a guy for trying to make the minutes fly bye faster with a little humor?” Axel asked. I believe that should be "by" instead of "bye."

Then, a little girl paused in front of him to point and ask innocent questions like “are you a clown?” and “where did you get those clothes?” loud enough for others to hear. Not too sure on this one, but I think even when using quotations in the form of general questions like that, the first letter should be capitalized ("Are", "Where").

Yeah, I'm extremely nit-picky. Curse me. :)

LOL! Good Burger! I remember that skit! Funny stuff. The movie was good, too.

Oh wow, my eye didn't even catch that "e" on the end of "by". I'll go change that.

As for the little girl, yeah, I'll go capitalize those letters.

Hey, nit-picky's good in a situation like this. Thanks for pointing those errors out to me.

All of us do it ALLLL the time, some of us more then others (coughmecough) so don't worry 'bout it (I didn't catch it either, but I don't have eyes like Akira or Kai...sometimes I'm glad, other times I'm not).

I remember the Good Burger movie. I was saying "Welcome to Good Burger, Home of the Good Burger, may I take your order?" for a LOOOOONG time after watching that.

I've been doing that since I was 6. o_O When I was in 1st grade we had these little warm-up sheets where there were sentences with mistakes and we had to rewrite it correctly. Every. Single. Day. Ha, well it paid off I guess. XD

In my head, it goes from Good Burger to Spongebob: "Welcome to the Krusty Krab, where YOU are the captain and I...I'm your loyal servant...You just say the WORD and I will throw myself in the BRIG! May I take your order?" Classic Spongebob...XD

I edit my works to death, but I'm not perfect. Lol, there's always something that slips past me.

You know, I can't help but feel that perhaps I placed too much emphasis on establishing the setting rather than the actual characters within this chapter. In the long run, would that make Chapter 1 appear weak? In Chapter 2, I've planned to show more of Axel's true nature, but I'm wondering now if I should've made Ch. 1 longer just to demonstrate more of his personality.

What do you guys think?

I think you portray Axel pretty well. Your extra detail on the setting through his point of view actually shows a lot about him--past experiences, a longing for peace, his surprise that there can actually be a decent world to live in. Not to mention his smart-aleck comments. Those speak for themselves. Characters can be shown both by how they perceive the world and their dialogue. I wish I could explain it a bit better, but it sounds extremely corny in my head. XD Besides, really long chapters are kind of a turn-off for me, and I thought Chapter One was the perfect length.

Yeah, see, I was afraid the chapter length would intimidate some readers... I write chapters by theme, and their lengths vary. But for Kill Switch, I've decided to take a different approach and do my best to incorporate themes with a word limit in mind.

What's bothering me is that whole "show don't tell" rule, and I fear as though I've been telling everyone he's heartless when he hasn't done much to prove that yet. Axel doesn't long for peace, but rather, he's surprised that there exists a country not effected by war. The reason he mentioned visiting Disney sooner is calrified in later paragraphs when he goes to a restaurant free of soldiers, takes a nap on a bench without problems, and purchases factory-fresh books to read without censorship. It's just less of a hassle for him to drift around and kill time without soldiers, secret police, and totalitarian government policies restricting his actions. Not to mention a city free of bullet holes, rubble, and debris provides him with a more comfortable setting to traverse.

In chapter two, there will be a stark contrast between his attitude around Roxas and his attitude around other people. My main concern is that Chapter 1 will appear weak in light of future chapters due to its watered-down portrayal of Axel. In Ch. 1, his behavior is affected by three things: starvation, fatigue, and Roxas. Remove those three factors, and you get a completely different person.

...I think I'd have to read the later chapters to actually get what you mean. I'm sure I see this differently than you do, because, uh, there will always be a difference between how a reader takes something in and how the writer means to portray it. As an example I didn't really see that he was being "heartless," just surprised as you said. (I, uh, really feel like Caboose from Red vs Blue right now...I confused myself, thinking too hard about what my point is...)

I think that rule is why I'm terrible at writing, I don't put too much emphasis on "show" because I don't like beating around the bush and using too many words for something simple (I'm rather blunt). Probably also why I don't see the inner workings of other people's writings (my struggles in English class prove that a little too often for my liking). So anyways, maybe when I read the next few chapters, I'll know what you mean by "watered-down"...

Hey, it's okay if you're a bit confused. I haven't really fleshed out much of the plot yet, so it's only natural that you don't know Axel the way I do.

The "show don't tell" rule is important because if I -tell- you right now that Axel is cold, merciless, and unforgiving, you won't believe me based on what you've read in Chapter 1. However, when you -see- how he acts in Chapter 2, you'll believe it.

Showing provides the reader with ample evidence to draw their own conclusions about people, events, moods, and themes. Telling your readers something is true won't be enough to convince them. They need proof, and the best way to provide that proof is to illustrate an image for them to visualize in their minds.

Yeah...And I understand now what you meant, when you were talking about the contrast between how he acts in chapter 1 as compared to how he will in 2. I need to pay a bit more attention.

I understand why the rule is important, I'm just really bad at following it. You can actually see how bad I am at it through the one fic I have on here--the main character was supposed to be this bubbly, cheerful person. She actually turned out really sarcastic and jokester-like. The other main character was supposed to be extremely shy, but he turned out to be the bubbly one. ...I think I need to work on my handling of character development/projecting a personality in general.

Planning is key. What I do before writing a story is plan who my characters are, write up backstories for each, and map out how their personalities will be. With a detailed biography in mind, it's easier to write a specific character without going too far out of bounds. If you'd like, I could try to help you with that.

In all honesty, I spend way more time planning out my characters than actually writing...I do backstories as well, as well as writing out their personalities, how they react in situations, etc etc. It's ridiculous that I can't actually apply it to them when I sit down to write. I'm planning on taking my story down, working on it, then putting it back up.

Thank you very much for the offer ^__^ I know I need help with this, but I don't really know what I should start on.

Hrm, then perhaps that's the problem in itself.

When I first started writing Kill Switch, I had written several outlines for my main characters. But they weren't set in stone. Outlines for me are flexible.

The process for Kill Switch began with an idea I had for another story and it wasn't anything like what Kill Switch is now. When I had the plot down, I used character designs as pieces to connect plot points. As I started filling in the gaps, the characters changed to fit the plot and the plot changed to fit the characters. In other words, the outlines for both changed multiple times in order to compensate for any alterations made based on the inclusion of newer details.

What's most important isn't an outline or a plot summary. Just write. Write whatever's in your head and you'll see that things start to fall into place on their own. But don't publish just yet. Write and see how things fit together, and then revise what you have. Write and revise, write and revise. I can't tell you how many times I've written and rewritten the prologue to Kill Switch. Would you believe me if I said I created Kill Switch in October of 2008? I've spent, let's see...nine months revising the prologue and establishing a clear direction.

I have close to 40 mini chapters for Kill Switch and close to 200 for TIAC. Mini chapters are dialogue blocks and simplistic action commands for chapters I have planned. Will they get revised? Yeah. But that's not important. What's important is I sat down and wrote whatever was in my head so that I could go back to it later and revise to my heart's content. Once it's out of your head and onto paper (or computer document), you can go over it to see whether or not it complies with your expectations for character personalities, plot direction, etc. Make little tweaks as you go along and then publish the finished chapter (after you've added more content and depth to the mini chapter so it becomes a full-fledged chapter).

That's how I do it. I just use the outlines to reinforce my direction when I revise and detail my mini chapters.

...You are really helpful.

It's kinda interesting, how you can start out with an idea and it just seems to evolve as you go on. Maybe that's what happened with my story: the characters as they were in the outset weren't quite right for the tone of the story, so they seemed to develop and create its own clarity based on the story's needs. (Not to mention how well the seriousness of it meshed with the personalities...) Maybe I should leave it as it is then...(After all, the plot itself calls for seriousness, not happy bubbly stuff. While I believe it's okay to have some bits of lightheartedness, it's not good to completely flood it with its total contrast...am I right?)

I know what you mean, on the revision thing...The story I'm talking about has been in progress since June 2008, and the KH3 story I'm going to work on after its done has been in development since 2006. So...I shouldn't focus too much on the plot points themselves, just make sure I actually get to them. Outlines are pointless, after all, if you never get around to using them. -__- *stares at huge pile of prewriting papers*

I do that, too...I'll wake up in the middle of the night because I imagined some scene I could potentially use for the later parts of a story, then write them down. I have the most fun doing that. :) I eventually get so many, I have to mesh them together in a way that it makes sense...cut some things out, add in more details.

Thank you for the advice, I'm sure it will help me sometime soon :D

Glad I could be of help.

Yeah, just let your story flow. This might sound strange, but your story knows where it's going.

If you ever have any other questions, feel free to ask.

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