To start it off, this idea came from www.mibba.com, an online writing community. So, I disclaim the idea of starting the game. Next is that I get a WHOLE BUNCH of reviews for some of my stories, but most of them only contain words like "awesome" or "please update!", and I figured, maybe there should be a place where people can critique a story through a review, so I started this topic.

Here's the deal. Review the chapter/story requested by the person above you on the reviewing page of the story, then post the review here in the forum as well, just so we can monitor if everything's going fairly. After that state at the end of the post which story/chapter you want critiqued. Reviews should be at least 50 words long - a reasonable amount of content, anyway. Imagine you're beta-ing, only less. Say what you love about the story, what you don't understand, what didn't work for you, or whatever. We have a topic with further suggestions on how to make your review helpful, and it can be found here: http://www.fanfiction.net/topic/2872/9164734/1/ (also included is a list of 'checkpoints' one of the forum members use, found in post number 12.)

You can ask for reviews not just for stories on ff.net but on fictionpress as well - just make sure you enable anonymous reviews, because not everyone has an account there. You can also ask for the same chapter/story twice, but that means if someone has already reviewed it they can't do so again - so please be sure to add that if someone has already reviewed it, they are free to read and review something else.

Note: Reviews that, when posted on the forum only make up one or two lines in total will not be counted as constructive criticism. (I would prefer that if one-liners occur, everyone refrains from continuing the game until the person who posted the one-liner PMed the author with something more akin to concrit, but that's up to the community here.) You just can't say much in one line, and the whole point this topic was set up was so one-liner reviews wouldn't be posted. Please, please, this is a give-and-take system, and it's really not fair if someone has spent time to write a good concrit and only gets a one-liner in return. If you have posted a one-liner, your post is not counted as continuing the chain. Edit your post with a proper concrit. If someone has already continued the chain, then review the following person's story.

Only when you review can you say which story of yours that you want reviewed, and then the next commenter will review that and say what he wants reviewed, then the next person will review that one...and so on....

[From Monotonehell:] Perhaps it would be an idea if everyone used bold to highlight the two steps taken. That is;

My review for (insert name here): (copy review here)

Next person please review my story: (insert name, chapter here)

If someone sees something they think looks interesting but has already been reviewed - never mind, go ahead and review it anyway, I'm sure the author won't mind an extra one! But, in that case, don't copy it here or the thread will get horribly confused. Also, if you'd like to thank your critiquer or anything that isn't a copy of your critique + the story you want reviewed, please don't post it here; PM them instead.

This is just for constructive criticism, for writers who really want to receive them. :)

So let me start.

Please review my story "Through the Glass" chapter two. Thanks!

My review for Evil Bunny:

I know nothing of Teen Titans so I can only critique based on the prose I read. This would make a very good leading chapter for a story. It has a few points of mystery about it, gives the reader a reason to want to read the next chapter. It possibly needs a little more of a teaser for the last line though. You captured the silly teen boy lusting over a girl quite well. Although it's possibly a little too heavy on the flowery romance - boys tend to be a little more mechanical about their emotions. Even though they hurt just as much as girls. Is good. Keep writing!

Next person please review my story:

Either Some Enchanted Evening if you're lazy or Chapter 2 of Yesterday People if you want a challenge.

I'll swear I've read Yesterday's People before, but I don't seem to have reviewed it, so...

Wow, a fandom I know! Well...a fandom I watched a decade or so ago.

This is very nicely written, with good characterisation (as far as I remember :) ) and people who are presented as individuals, who speak and think differently and have different objectives.

Just a few nitpicks:

You're consistently presenting dialogue tags wrong:

"I can't.. get it." He said weakly.

"What?" He exclaimed.

should be

"I can't.. get it," he said weakly.

"What?" he exclaimed.

The tag isn't a sentence of its own, it doesn't get a capital letter and the speech shouldn't end in a full stop (but it does keep a ? or an !).

The POV wanders a bit occasionally. For instance, the boy in the hospital is confused and can't see more than blurs - but suddenly you say that the nurse adjusts an IV drip above his head. You're in the boy's POV, he shouldn't know this sort of detail.

I was very confused by the sudden flashback (where Duke gets called Megabyte again). Who's having it? I did wonder if it was the boy in the bed, but there's no hint. As a flashback purely for the reader, I think it needs more introduction to tell us why it's there.

But in general it's very well written. It sucked me in to the extent that I'm off to read the rest of it :) And now I'm feeling all nostalgic for a show that ended much too soon.

As far as my fic goes? Feel free to pick anything. Probably the most accessible (and a short one) is Graduation, which was intended for an audience who don't know the fandom, or you could take a crack at the start of Disaster in the South Pacific.

I like it. I could follow it despite being familiar with *neither* fandom, and was interested enough t keep reading in spite of it.

Concrit: Some of your sentences tend to run on.

Review... Heck, anything. I'm partial to both "Not Her" and "Dead Letters" out of my oneshots, though my favorite is my multichaptered story "Lost". Though "The End" has no reviews... I dunno. Just pick something, I'll be thrilled with the review. ^.^

You know, despite the fact that this story is extreamly short, I actualy kinda like it. River isn't my favorite character in Fire Fly by a long shot. But I do like the way you described her dieing. It accomplished making me feel both sorry and glad for her.

So even though it's so short, you accomplished what is probably the hardest thing to do with a story. Make someone FEEL something.

You realy could turn this little story in to a much larger one if you gave it a go. If you gave us more to work with that feeling we get from only a few hundered words would be much more powerful.

Ok, hope that helps out somewhat.

The story I'd LIKE to have reviewed with heavy heavy heavy constructive critisism is Double Jeopardy. If you can't or don't want to read the whole thing, just go with a random chapter that has an interesting sounding title. Though you probably won't understand it if you do that . . .

If you can't stand at all to review that one, pick one of the other two shorter stories.

The review:

This was very cute! I haven't seen an Ami-Makoto pairing before (then again, it's been a while since I've been in the Sailor Moon fandom) and I did enjoy reading this. Now I just have to wonder if you're going to write a White Day sequel...

...

The story of mine I would most like reviewed is 'Grand Clockwork Nightingale'. I NEED some realistic concrit on it, it's been my brainchild since almost when I started on this site. It's already gone through one massive rewrite (not that the rewritten section's been fully posted yet) and I'm still not even sure if I've finished it halfway yet. ^_^()

Obviously the person reviewing your fic is going to decide how they want to review...but I'd suspect you're much more likely to get concrit if you give some first...

Wow, that was very much worth the read.

Love the writing style as well, imagining this girl with a headpeice on, talking in to it as the text floats in front of me.

Great lesson too.

:)

Paragraphs can vary in length. Maybe a word limit would be better? I've taken a look at reviews I usually give and they usually vary in length from 60 words to more than 200 words. What do you think? New rule, reviews must be at least...oh I don't know. 60 words long?

(Also, request permission to edit the first post to clarify the rules, and clean-up the topic so we only have the concrits and the requests?)

But then I'm a big fan of fanlib's critique forum - there the fic to be critiqued each week is picked by the moderator, and she simply doesn't choose fics by people who haven't put time and effort into commenting on other people's work in previous weeks. Here, answering the thread puts you next in the list.

The other thing is that if you only leave a really brief comment for the story above you, you're much less likely to have someone leave a detailed review on yours. For all they know, you think saying you liked something is a detailed review and you're going to be distressed if you get concrit.

I still feel that giving useless concrit is worse than giving no concrit at all, by the way. The last thing I'd want is a lecture on my fiction from someone who has no idea what they're talking about, so why should I wish that for anyone else?

Skipped? Who skipped you? It certainly wasn't me!

.... <.< O.O >.>.......

Anyway, I did review the first chapter of your Grand Clockwork Night. And since we need to write novels for these reviews in here, I took the liberty to do so :P ;)

here it is here and in your story:

Wow. That was quite good.

Honestly I have a hard time giving constructive critism (..oxy moron?) to stories that I enjoy reading, but I will give it my best shot here.

I think the main sticking point that I would liked to have seen here was more description of whats going on. It reads like a blur, which is ok if thats what your shooting for, but these paragraphs seems much to short and could use some fleshing out.

Here are some thoughts I have:

"...and it kept blowing his golden bangs into his eyes." What color are his eyes?

"...The rest of his wild black-and-red hair was managing to behave itself for once.." Interesting, the little bit of description you have -does- do a good job of making your character stand out..

Other then that, its a good read. But like I said, descriptive detail could really make a fun read out of this, especially the beginning of this chapter---which you may have done on purpose to give the whole thing a frantic feel, which I can understand but it feels like its lacking for some reason.

The end of the chapter is good however; the kid being a mute is a great twist. :)

SpiderWolve, you didn't specify which story you wanted concritted so I went for the one that doesn't have a review yet.

And since we only post reviews of the person above, here's the one for SpiderWolve:

I have no idea what game you're writing for, so I'm just commenting on writing style.

Hmm. The battle scene in the beginning was a bit too wordy for me. You've got all the details, and you've got down the terminology, but - is that really needed? For me, a battle scene should be punchy, quick, easy to read. I found yours a bit difficult to get through. It got easier nearer the end, but in the beginning I was very tempted to just skim.

"...Cronian muttered and looked down at the read [should be "red"] flashing button that read ‘COMMS’ and pushed it to get rid of the plinging noise that was infuriating his ears. Once pushed, a flood of voices came at him, making his quite [should be "quiet" cockpit seem very crowded all of the sudden." There are quite a few spelling mistakes of this sort in the story.

The bit where he avoids the two asteroids coming at him was alright, though.

"What was left of the Microw spun silently as a glowing chunk of twisted metal that resembled nothing of its previous shape where momentarily the light glowing off the wreck seemed to shimmer and distort as something obscure and unseen quickly passed by." This sentence was a little runny, I think if you split it, it would sound a lot better.

Cronian realising at the end that he's got no chance and sort of being noble about it all was sad in a good way. I thought it was a nice ending.

Okay, overall, you've got a good idea going here. The battle scene mechanics, itself, I think are good, and I can imagine the battle unfolding in space quite well. Your chapter's got potential, but I found the writing a bit wordy and in some places the sentences would have been better split into two.

Um okay. I know I'm long. That's just me >.<

- - - - - - - - - -

I don't quite know which story/chapter I'd like concritted. Any one of 'Unborn', 'Silver Eggs' or 'Consequences of U-No-Poo' would do, they're my short ones. Or Chapter 2: Memorial, or Chapter 6: Wizard's Chess and Dealing from 'Broken Pieces'.

I can't pick. Thanks in advance ^_^

Rhea Silverkeys, I went and had a look at both chapters five and six of Broken Pieces. (I'll admit, the first was a case of mistaking the number, but I'm glad I read it anyhow! It made me read the rest of the story too. ) Apologies if my rambling isn't what you were looking for, I'm more a reader than a writer.

Chapter Five:

I hate to spout mindless praise, but I must say that the investigative scene is very well done. It's seldom that I see Auror's portrayed as honest professionals. Draco does strike me as being remarkably calm throughout, mind. I think that you may have lost some of the emotion in the scene in the midst of the dialogue. The interjections were a nice touch, I'll have to experiment with that in the future. The Weasely scene has a nice, depressed tone to it. It honestly felt mopey, just as it should. The description of Molly's behavior and grief is realistic, and really does strike a cord. You've captured her reaction very well. That said, your writing did start to look a bit more awkward than usual toward the end. Specifically when you went into the "pain" bit. I did notice a couple spelling/word errors in that section. "Her eyes were rimmed red and there were circles around it, too" -Around them? "Oh, and she sends her regard." -Regards, I think. That last just for the sake of completion, I tend to miss my own spelling mistakes until I've read them six times. Cheers for the story, I'm enjoying it.

Chapter Six:

Good god, this one I can't really say much about. You managed it very, very well, though Harry might be accused of being a little overdramatic about his feelings. Considering that we all do grieve differently, it's hardly fair to call that a flaw.

What did stand out as a bit off was that the chapter, while very touching, does feel as if it rambles. I think that comes from the transition from the ward to the Burrow. Something there threw me off, as if there's a missing scene break. That feeling could be argued to be a good thing as well, as it does lend a further sense of hopelessness to it all.

It seems that I'm getting that vibe from the way Harry spaces out at that point and only pays attention further down. Good or bad, I can't say.

This chapter really was a surprise. (And a pleasant one!)

-oOo-

I've also got a chapter I'd like read in particular. It's the first chapter past the prologue, I tried for something vaguely disturbing, but fun. Editing stillin progress, four chapters later. If someone can catch what I missed, I'd be grateful.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4080694/2/Yesterdays_News

Basil to Blithe, I reviewed the chapter you posted!

"I actually don't know the story behind Naruto, but I enjoyed reading this chapter. I really like how you vary the lengths of your paragraphs, short and long ones--it really catches my attention more. And I really like how you use your words. You seem to have a natural ability with the flow of language to make sure that the story is fluid and that the characters are believable. Um... If I have to give a suggestion, I would say to just work on dialogue a bit? Just because it seems like every character has the same voice. OH and the ending--great! Makes me want to read more :)"

I hope that's okay.

Could someone please review any chapter in my story for Final Fantasy VII "Gambling with a Turk" I just posted a new chapter too. I have people who put my story as favorites and alerts, but for reason they don't review ever and it makes me sad.

Also, WARNING: some sexual content

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3732487/1/Gambling_with_a_Turk

Basil: A bit OT, but I find something that helps with that is reading the story aloud. I do funny voices for each character, but that's optional. It sounds a bit ridiculous, but it seems to help.

Ok, Hikari, I went and reviewed the first chapter of "Gambling with a Turk", since I figured that would confuse me the least.

"Ok, first, great attention getter. That first paragraph really snagged me and pulled me in though. It keeps up a nice fast pace after that too, which is hard when it's mostly introspection. You give a nice sketch of her character, as well- reckless, impulsive, fearless, stubborn, and arrogant just this side of cocky. I don't think she's a Sue, from the chapter I just read... after all, it's how she sees herself, so perhaps inclined to be a bit padded, but one can still see realistic personality flaws that could be exploited.

Now the concrit. First, the pacing seemed a bit rushed in places, but then again the character *is* giving a crash-course summary of her whole childhood. The distant, distracted and depressed mother could have been explored more... maybe even a reason for why Jalen is so wayward. And second, the biggie since it's obviously major part of the plot... I never played FF, so I'm not sure if Jalen Zhu is an OC or if you're dealing with what canon gave you, but I really can't help but think a dare is a silly reason to join the military.

"Hey T, I dare you to join the Marines!"

"..."

It just seems... too spur of the moment when she's making what she should realize is a big decision. Even if she totally underestimates how hard it will be, shouldn't she feel at least a little trepidation? From the sound of things she's never left home before and she's going to do something that is, by my understanding, far more thoroughly rebellious than anything she's ever tried before now.

I hope this helps."

I'd appreciate a review of "Lost" any one chapter or as a whole... I'm aware that Part IV/Chapter 5 (Interlude screwed up my numbering) is a weak spot, I just haven't had time to fix the end. So, um, if you do one chapter, please don't do that one.

EDIT: WTF is up with the new posting format? I had to edit this far too many times for formatting!

"I think that that was absolutely beautiful! You say that you've never written about grief before in your A/N, but I honestly couldn't tell. I was so sad by the end of the chapter. I really like how you eluded even possibly some of the most insignificant things back to Ginny, about her scent, or her smile--it just really added to the reminiscent sadness. Um... I wish I could give you constructive criticism, maybe a little show not tell? But there's really barely any of that too! Love it!"

Whoa! I thought it was too long, but then I pasted it here and realized that it really isn't! Hey, how do you get that little gray bar to appear to the left of things? Well, anyway, AMAZING, Rhea_Silverkeys--as usual :)

I guess I would ask someone to review either Chapter 4 which is kind of a mind trip, Chapter 5, or Chapter 7 which I should wave a big red warning flag over for possibly offensive material of the story Gambling with a Turk.

Hey, everyone, just a reminder to stick to posting reviews only for the person above you. That way things don't get mixed up and people don't accidentally get missed. You can of course go and review any of the stories already mentioned here, but don't post the reviews here or give a shout-out unless you've reviewed the person above you, as well.

Hey, how do you get that little gray bar to appear to the left of things?

Under 'styles', click on 'quote'.

And a bit OT, but thank you to those who gave me concrit on my stories ^_^

And, to get right back on it, Lady Tragic's fic is up next for concrit.

I'd appreciate a review of "Lost" any one chapter or as a whole... I'm aware that Part IV/Chapter 5 (Interlude screwed up my numbering) is a weak spot, I just haven't had time to fix the end. So, um, if you do one chapter, please don't do that one.

WTF is up with the new posting format? I had to edit this far too many times for formatting!

I've taken to using the HTML source editor. I can make sure all the paragraphing and quotes and other annoying things are properly put in then.

I'd love reviews for Almost Lover or Legacy. Legacy can be done as a whole or the third chapter. Thank you.

Also, for loverly zee:

"Wow. That is a mind trip, as you so aptly refered to it. I think it's elegant and beautiful, and I really get a feel for the emotions in the story. It's so believeable, and I feel like I'm there. Excellent work. You did the fandom more than justice. In all, just love."

here you are, for chapter 4. :)

I haven't got a concrit for my Joker related Batman story, set in an AU where The Joker as we know him never became the Joker at all, and the story explores the life of the man who was under the Red Hood in "The Killing Joke", while examining the presence of the Joker's absence for Bruce Wayne, as he lacks an adversary beyond faceless thugs to drive him on. It probably could use some constructive criticism in order for me to know if I've got Commissioner Gordon right, or if the description is decent. Here's the link:

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4165123/1/World_Without_A_Joker

Yes it's all about you isn't it JP Martin? LOL! ;)

READ the rules again. You need to give a lot to get a lot in here. You must review the last person to leave a reviews requested story, and make it a good con crit. Then once you've paid the piper, you may request that the next bunny reviews one of yours. ;)

Would you like to play your turn and review Lady Saru's story? (You can edit your post with the "mod" button)

Ok, so I've given "Almost Lover" a review. Sorry I butted in, I just didn't see there was an unfinished review game there. (I sometimes forget my manners in RL as well)

I did my best to give a solid review, the closest I could come to a comparison would be a Leonard Cohen song with a younger soul.

Perhaps it would be an idea if everyone who's posted goes back and edits their post to make it clear what's going on? Use bold to highlight the two steps taken. That is;

My review for (insert name here): (copy review here)

Next person please review my story: (insert name, chapter here)

Would that help the new players?

Sorry to butt in with what is essentially a spam post, but now I'm confused. Whose turn is it now? O_o

It's only spam if it's off topic.

I think someone needs to volunteer to be next, review J.P. Martin's World_Without_A_Joker , post a copy of the review here and request that one of their stories be reviewed.

*nods nods*

Oh, in that case - I already did that. ~_~

My review for 'World without a Joker', Chapter 2:

Well...this is an interesting twist, but I'm wondering why Gordan and Bruce are hanging out like old friends. I mean...without the chemical dip, Jenkins - despite the circumstances with his family - is almost like any other criminal that Batman might have busted up. I do like how you've worked on the backstory, but I have to wonder what the big effect of this change is supposed to be. Then again, I'm not overly familiar with Batman... Ah, well - I'll definitely keep an eye on this story. Hopefully I'll be pleasantly surprised with an interesting twist! ~_~

...

So, can the next person please review my story? Umm...I don't really care which one.

I reviewed "Smoked Glass".

My review for Oracle Five: Um...the review's not showing up right now, but it's there. I talked about how I loved the way you set up the story, how it was lovely and tragic, and other stuff.

Next person please review my story: Legacy, chapter 3.

Oh, I like the idea of this.

My review for: Legacy

First of all, I need to point out that I am NOT familiar with the fandom, as I don't ever watch/read/write anything manga or anime related. Then why am I reviewing?

Easy. This story caught my attention after reading the first paragraphs of the first chapter. It is all about emotion, about the horrible feelings left within someone who has just lost a loved one. I think it is well written, the first person narrator giving an interesting inside. I could relate easily to the emotions described, and felt really sorry for the affected characters. Okay, I guess the fic is constructed to evoke exactly those feelings, yet it still worked fine.

I think it could have been a bit longer, though, doing justice to the terrible fate. However, I really like this fic. By the way, I'm happy to see there are still people out there paying attention to their spelling, punctuation and grammar. Well done!

Next person please review: Shattered

This should be fun. ^_^.

My review for: Shattered

Despite being a slash, this was really good.I loved how you portrayed Nasuada/Murtagh/Eragon in such a realistic fashion, and how it switched from memories and different points of view so...fluidly.

Though in my oppinion, you could have spanned it to a few chapters to give it a sense of organization, and I'm not used to reading Eragon fanfiction, so this is my first.

It was really easy to put myself in their shoes, and I think you did a good job. A rating would be a 10/10. ^_^;

Would the next person mind reading the 16 chapter of my fanfiction, A New Moon?

My review for AnnieFluffy:

It is always a tad difficult to review a story in a fandom one is unfamiliar with, as is the case for me here, making it even harder on myself jumping into the middle of the story. Unfamiliarity makes me wonder things like: Arata cannot see her face in the dark, but at the same time she can see his every movement. So is it canon that she can see very well in the dark, or is it just some careless writing that one character has better lighting than the other?

The narration style is very wooly. I had a hard time getting into it, but that's just personal. Less personal is that there were commas in inappropriate places. For instance the comma after "Under her touch" can easily be dropped. And times when the commas weren't in their appropriate places, such as here: "I won't." He murmered. That should have been: "I won't," he murmered. A lot of the dialogue tags were inappropriately capitalized like that. Which may have something to do with the capitalizing of His and Him in the first paragraph, which also should not have been capitalized.

I'd like a review for chapter four of "I'm your fan". It's a oneshot so should be able to read stand alone.

My review for AbCarter:

Reviewing this was a bit difficult since I don't know the fandom, but here goes: I really liked the dialog, it brought out their personalities so well that even someone unfamiliar with them like me could understand the character's, well, character. It was a good read thumbs up :D Now for concrit. Some of your sentences are very short, that's usually fine, but when you have them in succession it feels a bit choppy and disrupts the flow of the story; try combining them. Other than that, it was very well written. p.s. Is this foreshadowing I see? Very nice cliffhanger :D

I'd like a review for my oneshot, "Clever Disguises"

My review for Nassa:

Okay, I'm coming off of an all-nighter, so I hope this makes sense. Forgive me if I ramble.

First of all, the dialogue was well written. There was a natural flow between the characters. In the end, I got a sense of who Havoc and Edward were without knowing the fandom.

However, I had a difficulty with the read that I couldn't quite place until I did a second reading. Where your writing stumblies is your (mis)use of dialogue tags. Dialogue attribution can either give your scenes a polished look, or they can grind your pacing to a halt.

First of all, the grammar for a basic line of speech is this:

"Character A's speech," said A.

Notice the comma before the closing quotation mark and the lowercase 's' for "said." Now if these occurances were sporadic, I would chalk it up to oversight and dismiss them. However, they happen often enough to distract the reader's eye so I feel they should be brought to light:

-#-#-#-#-#

"Hey boss." greeted Havoc with a smile, ever present cigarette only staying in place from years of practice.

-(replace period with a comma after 'boss')

"I never said I wanted to take it." Havoc said, inwardly amused by Ed's antics.

-(replace period after 'it' with a comma)

"Oh, okay." Said Ed, anger forgotten.

-(should be a comma after after 'okay' and 'Said' should not be capitalized.)

"Peach yogurt! I don't care if the cafeteria's food is normally radioactive, twitching, or has questionable origins; their yogurt is the BEST!" Proclaimed an enthusiastic Edward, going on to discuss the greatness of yogurt in all it's gooey glory, gesticulating wildly and almost clocking a man to his right with his automail arm.

-('Proclaimed' should not be capitalized. Also, this tag is way too long; it should be divided in two sentences - in my opinion.)

"I thought you didn't like milk." Havoc said, looking perplexed.

-(comma after 'milk')

"Damn Hughes, you scared the hell out of me, you're lucky I didn't shoot you." Havoc stated, still jumpy.

-(comma after second 'you')

"I hope Ed's okay" he interjected, hoping it would be enough to distract the ranting father.

-(comma after 'okay')

"Edward was eating yogurt. I asked him why he was eating it since he hates milk, which is what yogurt is made from. Apparently, this was news to him so he left to empty his stomach of the abomination." Havoc said. Hughes gave a short guffaw.

"For being an alchemical genius, Edward can be very dense sometimes." Hughes stated looking contemplative.

"I guess that's one more thing he's going to add to the list." he said at last.

-(All of these need a comma before the closing quotes.)

"I was in the library a while back, and I saw this list he has of stuff he thinks is pure evil." Hughes said ominously.

"Really? I bet Mustang is in there." Havoc whispered conspiratorially .

-(same here.)

-#-#-#-#-#

Now that we got basic grammar out of the way, here's a tip that a lot writers like to use as a shortcut: if you have established that two speakers have started a dialogue, then you only need to insert subsequent tags as context demands, since the order of the speakers is implied. This means that you don't have to put a comment after every sentence of dialogue. This can be a useful tool for flow.

example:

"Hi John," said Bert.

"Hello Bert," John replied.

"Nice weather we're having." (implied that this is Bert speaking - no tag needed.)

"Yes, I love this time of year." (implied that this is John speaking - no tag needed.)

These are just the basics, there are resources around the web that you can look into that explain these things in much greater detail.

I only bring this to your attention because I stuggle with this as well. I Hope this helps.

Please review:

Chapter 1 of Invincible Shield

My review for White-Eyebrow

I liked it. The boredom Jinx encountered in her office I can related to that. The subtle introductions to other characters as she made her round; it told me as much about the other characters as it told me about her. She likes to be part of a group, but doesn't quite seem to fit.

I was slightly troubled that the POV for the most part stayed with Jinx except at two occassions: during the fight it momentarily went to Slaughter, but Jinx was there watching so in a way it could have still been her POV as she interpreted the fight from his position (it's kind of like an author taking the POV of a character); and during the talk between Hawk and Snake-Eyes. Jinx was not in the room then and could not have picked up on any of it. It's a bit of a quirk, but I like the POV to stick with one person throughout. I think I would have been less bothered if there had been a scene break between Jinx walking away from the office and Snake-Eyes entering it.

I also have a comment on the grammar. On a few occassions the narrative suddenly jumps to present tense. It seems to be done deliberately as these occassions are all pretty similar. For instance this sentence: "Every time she tries to reach out to her and be civil, she is reminded of why the woman infuriates her so." Should be 'tried' and 'was', even if it happened in the past and is still happening in the present and will for ever be happening in the future: once the narrative of a story is started in past tense, it cannot be just switched to present tense.

That aside, this chapter has made me curious how the story will continue, and that is always good for a first chapter.

I'd like a review for chapter two (chapter one is a short prologue) of Home and Away.

My review for Ab Carter (sorry, I keep editing because I think of more to say.) One more edit: Are we supposed to copy and paste this to the actual fic comment box also? I haven't yet, but I will if you want me to. I'll leave it up to you, Ab Carter. I could paste the whole thing or just the summary at the bottom. Please let me know.

"Well, actually, for me a lot more than five years have passed." Bogg smiles a little uncomfortable.

Since this is from Jeffery's pov, you should add that he looks uncomfortable since Jeffery can't know exactly what Bogg is feeling. He can only go by what Bogg says, his tone of voice and how he looks.

Bogg's embrace is nearly chocking him.

should be choking.

"I did," Jeffrey looks down.

Should be a period not comma after did.

I usually was just some stale bread and dried meat."

I think youi're missing a word in that sentence.

Bogg tossles Jeffrey's hair

should be tousles, also need period after hair.

He blames himself for loosing you."

should be losing.

Kate has seen the recordings before. Her mind wonders to a few days earlier.

wanders instead of wonders

Bogg sinks back into his seat. He shakes his head. "Poor kid."

There is nothing technically wrong with this part but Boggs said the exact same thing just a line or so above. Also, I think that portion could use some thoughts by one of the characters. It's difficult to tell whose pov this scene is from. I would think that upon learning of the horrific things that happened to Jeffery, who, if I recall correctly, was like a son or younger brother to Boggs, he'd be a lot more angry than just shaking his head and saying "poor kid". Wouldn't he get angrier than that?

I do like the plot and the twist of why they couldn't find Jeffery. I think this could be really interesting...it just needs to be punched up a bit. It reads kind of flat. It could be because of the present tense. I'm not fond of that but I have seen it done really well to the point where I didn't even notice. Unfortunately, I did notice it right away in this one. I do remember this show, vaguely, but I remembered Boggs as more of a smart alec type of guy, but that could be my faulty memory. I found myself wanting to know more about Jeffery and his time at the plantation, but it looks like it might go the way of a romance between Jeffery and Bogg's daughter, Kate.

I would like a review of Enemy Combatant. Thank you. :-)

Here is the review I posted for Maryilee's Enemy Combatant. I would recommend it overall to anyone who wants to read it.

I can't say I'm very familiar with Early Edition - in fact, I've no idea what it is - but hopefully I'll be able to tackle this story well.

Firstly, I was very compelled by the plotline. The idea that someone could be detained without so much as an inkling of why was something I found fascinating, despite it being horrific. The story's plot is definitely its strength.

The POV shifts between Toni and Gary were very natural, but there were some POV shifts (?) that seemed very vague or unclear to me. This was the worst one, I think:

" Gary jerked his leg again and again, futile rage against the injustice of it all fueling his actions. How many thousands of people died because nobody would listen to him? And yet, here he was chained up like some kind of dangerous animal.

“Stop it! You’re hurting yourself! Are you crazy? ” Toni moved as if to stop him, but hesitated, fear flashing in her eyes. It was just a glimmer and it was gone almost instantly, but he saw it and stilled. "

Despite it being a different paragraph, the POV is never reestablished to be with Toni or Gary. It could be Toni's POV, because of the 'fear flashing in her eyes' line, but it is also implied that it is Gary's, because 'he saw it and stilled'. It's a bit of a nitpick, but your writing is so good that there isn't much to comment on.

Your vocab is crazy good, I must say. You always hit on the right word, and it makes the story that much more powerful.

A note on the conclusion: this may have been your intention, but it's quite open-ended. I didn't feel like there was enough closure, and it left me feeling a bit empty.

SPOILER for those who haven't read: Is she interested in finding Gary? Or does she just not care anymore? The ending was confusing, and in my opinion, better left ommitted. It dilutes the power of the line "Toni’s heart felt like it shattered into a thousand pieces as she turned and exited."

So in conclusion: Enemy Combatant was very well-written and a great read, with a raw ending and some minor POV issues. Hopefully I was able to help you and/or provide some advice... :) ~Satine

Okay, so I would love to get a review on my There Will Be Blood fanfiction, entitled Softly Into the Dark Night. WARNING: The story is borderline M-rated; I went with T instead. If you're very sensitive on issues concerning religion, you may not want to read.

My review for Softly into the Dark Night:

On a mechanical level,the story is extremely well written. There are few to no grammar and spelling errors, and it's easy to read and follow the storyline. This could be a pro novella. 9/10.

On a plot level... wow. This is one of the best stories I've ever read on here, and one of the better ones I've read anywhere. The first line pulls you in, and the rest of them keep you there until the end of the story. Definitely keep up the good work. 10/10.

-TheJDizzle

I'd like a review on the latest chapter of my Halo fic, entitled A Newer Hero. Be honest, brutally so if necessary, but offer con-crit instead of just crit.

TheJDizzle said: "I'd like a review on the latest chapter of my Halo fic, entitled A Newer Hero. Be honest, brutally so if necessary, but offer con-crit instead of just crit.". That particular chapter, however, has a line at the top that says:

Reviewer: It’s called FANfiction for a reason. It’s non-canon, and I can do whatever I want with it. So there.

Which makes me very reluctant to review. If a reviewer points out that you are doing something that goes against canon, you obviously haven't been able to convince them that it is good for the story that that happens. But it's a short chapter so here goes.

I like the ending, the brief insight in what is to come (or could have been avoided). It's very promissing. I am surprised, however, that shattering a pod-lid and throwing the remains on the floor does not make enough noise to wake up a security guard. And why was there only one?

The talk between Lawrence and the doctor was interesting and sadly too short. It was like I only heard them talking in passing. This scene with the testing could be more fleshed out.

I think there is a good chance all the scenes in this story could be more fleshed out. I've only read this chapter (as you requested a concrit for it), but all of them are pretty short so I'm guessing that all the action that is going on is action that I as the reader will only experience as if I was going one way in the hall and the action was going the other: briefly and in passing. Please, give me as a reader a moment to stand still and watch the action unfold before me. Flesh out the scenes more.

It's too bad your scenes are so short because you have a catchy writing style. What you should however do less is switch epithets. Lawrence = young prince = Spartan-to-be; (dr.) Halsey = Katherine. Don't switch names every time you are using a dialogue tag. I didn't even know who Katherine was until I realized that she must be dr. Halsey and not a new person smuggled into the conversation.

I'd like a review for the last chapter of Stories of the Street. There's a scene in there (I hope it's just the one) that doesn't really work and I'm hoping for suggestions what to do with it other than just cutting it. There is a point to it, it just doesn't come across very well.

My review of Stories of the Street

#-#-#-#-#

Good premise here. You executed it well. I'm not familiar with the fandom, but I feel that I know Murdoc very well thanks to your characterization.

As for you concern on Chapter 5, I didn't really see anything major that stuck out.

The only scene that I would like to see tweaked is when they went for ice cream at the mall. Murdoc's disposition toward Spider here seemed overly saccarine and that took me out of his head. Then again, you need this scene as a lead-in to the next. I would probably lengthen it - starting with Murdoc being a little more standoff-ish and having Spider whittle away at his defenses. Have more of a buildup (that seems to be the game they've been playing throughout).

** Boring nitpick section (for the things that only a fresh pair of eyes can catch) **

ch.2

She was on the private pay role of one of the bigger names in the drug industry

* I think that should be payroll

ch.3

Murdoc let got off Spider and put his hands in his pockets and sauntered off down the boardwalk in the direction of the yachts closest to the river * ...let go of Spider...

I have a 40 feet motor yacht, and I'm looking for a place near to moor it. * I have a 40 foot motor yacht, and I'm looking for a place nearby to moor it.

Murdoc looked passed David to see if Spider had caught up. * Murdoc looked past David to see if Spider had caught up.

Murdoc turned of the engine and the motorboat came to a slow stop * Murdoc turned off the engine and the motorboat came to a slow stop

ch.5

He was out 350 dollar * ...dollars

If she believe that Juárez was back in town then that warranted an investigation. * If she believed that Juárez was back in town, then that warranted an investigation.

But who would take interest in a cab driver in a denim jacket wearing a baseballcap. * basball cap is two words

"Very well." He closed the envelop ad tucked it in his jacket. * "Very well." He closed the envelope and tucked it in his jacket.

It wasn't until Spider was released from hospital that Murdoc went to see her. * It wasn't until Spider was released from the hospital that Murdoc went to see her.

--not a whole lot considering the length of the story. Good job.

#-#-#-#-#

Please review the chapter of you choice for:

The Gunner and the Grease-Monkey

(This was my first fanfic, so it never had a proper beta.)

My review for: The gunner and the Grease Monkey

Hello,

I will start off with saying that I'm not familiar with the fandom, but I will do my best to leave a good review nevertheless. T

he first chapter is pretty good, I liked the fact you started right in the middle of a scene, right before the action begins. Sometimes it really bothers me if stories take ages to build up, but with yours it captures your attention immediately from the start.

It was also surprisingly easy to follow, as I already stated; I don't know the fandom, yet I felt like I understood the story and the situation for the most part, despite not knowing the world or the characters. I could get a lot of details out of the first chapter.

I liked your writing style. Especially because you write very cinematically. (Showing rather than telling) It makes it easier for the reader to get deeper into the story, and to keep the readers attention.

The only criticism I could make is that you never put numbers like '2' in the story itself. (See the introduction) You always write the numbers out. (So two) I know it's kind of whiney of me, but it does bother me somehow.

And you could have put a flashback to the earlier days at the beginning, to raise the expectations and curiosity, but then again that's a matter of personal taste.

All by all your story worked out pretty well for a first one, and an unbeta'd one too. (Certainly better than my first one)

~~~~~~

Please review my story titled: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4306456/1/Its_Heart_that_Wins_the_Race

A quick response from me, though it's not a review to one of my stories I'm responding too:

The only criticism I could make is that you never put numbers like '2' in the story itself. (See the introduction) You always write the numbers out. (So two) I know it's kind of whiney of me, but it does bother me somehow.

Numbers should be written out as much as possible. Only numbers over ten or twelve should be written out in numerals. It's a style convention in writing, though I can't find where it is coming from. Probably has something to do with: writing should be text (and numbers aren't text), but large numbers, like 124, are easier to read as numbers than as text (124 v one hundred and twenty-four).

My review for It's the Heart that Wins the Race:

Hello! I liked that this story started out with a female protagonist who didn't -need- boys to function. She's clearly independent and does her own thing, which is so much rarer than it should be in fanfic, where heroines tend to be "independent", but then fall to pieces whenever they get near the story's hero. I found her really refreshing, especially in the first chapter. I also love that that you're keeping track of things like that there should be consequences to walking out of a class. Too many authors drop practical things like that in service of the plot, and by doing so make their plot feel unnatural and cardboard.

Mechanically, you could sometimes use a good line-by-line beta. There are spelling and grammar mistakes occasionally; nothing big, just little things that popped out, like a verb in the wrong tense or an '-ly' that got left off an adverb. Like I said, just little things, but they tended to stand out to me because your ideas in the story are generally solid. (PM me if you ever want someone to check spelling or grammar for you; I tend to be fast at that sort of thing.)

I think you should definitely continue to write her as disdainful of girls who need men, and as someone who's proud of being able to do things most girls can't, like playing beater. My inner feminist sometimes rolls its eyes in despair at what girls post as romantically "ideal" to this site, but this story was fun!

...

I would love it if someone would review my story All My Days In Indigo.

Right this is my review for All My Days In Indigo,

"Hello, Well, I'll start off by saying that I really enjoyed reading your story. The first letter really reminded me of the book "The Book Thief" by Markus Zusak. It reminded me of the book because of the way you described the colours and the sky.

Your descriptions are excellent but some bordered on "purple prose". I'm wondering if Edward would have gone into some much detail and feel so... depressed but if he did you captured it very well.

I think you depicted Esme and Carlisle very well in their letters. I also like the ideas of the letters, I haven't seen that before.

Over all, an excellent piece of work, bravo!"

Will someone review my first chapter of Soldier please; http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4367537/1/Soldier

Here's my review for Aos Dana's "Soldier":

You set the opening scene very well. I could picture everthing there. I was confused though since this is from Danju's pov, how he could see all that was outside his cell. You would only need to add a sentence or two mentioning a window that he could see through or something.

You have some punctuation problems with your dialogue. Here's an example:

‘Get up’ he repeated loudly.

You need something after 'up'. Personally, I would drop the 'he repeated loudly' and just go with "Get up!" Then I'd give Marcus another action like a harder nudge with the toe of his boot or something along those lines.

Other than the punctuation issues, I liked this brief scene. Is this just the prologue though? It's not quite long enough for a whole chapter.

I know this isn't a very long review but the chapter is only a few hundred words, so...

I can't decide which chapter of my WIP I want critiqued so I'll put both links up and let the reviewer decide. First one is full of action, so if that's your thing, you might want to do that one. Second chapter linked is more mental anguish/angst, so if that's easier for you, you could do that one instead.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3897444/6/Tomorrow_Comes_A_Day_Too_Soon

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3897444/12/Tomorrow_Comes_A_Day_Too_Soon

edited to add my links

Here's my review for Maryilee's Tomorrow Comes A Day Too Soon Chapter 12:

First of all I have to note that I do not know the fandom at all. Over all I really liked this chapter as it showed very intensely Gary's pain and shame and also his friends worry and sorrow. You did a very good job on portraying that for I think this cannot be easy, doing so. Other than that I really liked the conversation between Gary and the doctor about the food. I think this was a good idea to bring a bit humour into a otherwise serious chapter.

“Hmm…well, I was thinking about sending you home tomorrow, but if you’re don’t have an appetite, maybe we’ll need to keep you another day or so and investigate that.” Matt was only half-bluffing.

Gary’s eyes, wide with alarm shot to his. “I have an appetite! Just…not right this minute.”

Actually there is just one thing, which bugs me a bit. The first part felt a bit confusing but I think that might be because I haven't read the earlier chapters. Other than that, is it canon to refer to them in one scene by their first names and in the next by their last names? It looked almost like the same scene to me and I'm just wondering.

I'd like a review on chapter twenty on my story Awakening, cause I have several people continuing reading it but nobody had reviewed since a while.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2116387/20/Awakening

Here's a review for miarath's chapter 20 of Awakening:

You set the scene very well with the moonlight and how she can't sleep. It really pulled me in. There are some tense issues I saw although sometimes it was hard to tell if it was really a problem with the tenses or a missing word in a few sentences. For the example below, should be ran instead of run, especially since the very next sentence is definitely in past tense.

Caryn run over to her. She had forgotten about the fighting around her; her sole attention was on her mother’s still form.

Finely should be finally in both uses of the word in the passages below

She yawned and stretched in an attempt to relax so she might finely find some sleep. Yet, moonlight was slipping beyond her lids, and closing them did nothing to stop it. So, she finely opened her eyes to take a look around, to take a look at it.

The impression I got of the middle part of the story is that you were in a hurry to get to the part you really wanted to write, which was the part where she's biting his neck. The writing in that section was wonderful You did a great job putting the reader right in the moment with the character. Here's an excerpt I thought was excellent:

It screamed in horror, but the drum was stronger.

Begging her forward.

“Just a taste, just one.” It seemed to whisper.

Damn. No. Too late.

She felt her lips touching his skin, tasting salty copper on her lips.

She wished it would taste awful…

There were some other typos and stuff, but just a little cleaning up will turn this from a good chapter into an outstanding chapter. I just had a story reviewed, so unless someone wants to do a review on chapter six that I posted up thread, feel free to jump in and take my spot with a free turn. :-)

Edited because I originally wrote this in a text doc as I read, but doing a copy and paste here messed it all up even though it looked fine. Trying again.

You set the scene very well with the moonlight and how she can't sleep. It really pulled me in. There are some tense issues I saw although sometimes it was hard to tell if it was really a problem with the tenses or a missing word in a few sentences. For the example below, should be ran instead of run, especially since the very next sentence is definitely in past tense.

Thanks Maryilee, I really appreciate it. I guess I have another then/than issue to look into. I'll keep an eye on it and I'll go over the chapter again.

I'll take a look on chapter six.

Edited: Since I don't want to double post I add my review for chapter six here

Again, this is a very good and dramatic chapter and you did capture Gary’s pain and despair beautifully. Only I would’ve split up the first paragraph in two for it looks a bit compressed if that makes any sense. Other than that I found some things, which bother me a bit as I overlooked grammar and spelling the last time. ;) A large wooden pole with a crossbeam of two thirds on their way up loomed over the room. His legs flew out from under him and he crashed ** the cement floor… I’m not sure if I understand you right here. Do you mean his legs were pulled back or do they give out, no longer supporting him? Furthermore, I really like how you made him remembering his whole life and worry about if he had said he loved his family. It bothered him that he couldn't remember exactly what he had said in his last conversation with them. Had he told them he loved them? I think this is a typo? Isn’t it? There should be three … or a ‘,’. "Now.. you're lucky. I didn't go all the way in, or you'd be dead." Now, I really like how you weaved Gary’s praying into this scene for it made the whole thing even more intense and meaningful, especially with them nailing him to that cross. He didn't look this time. Instead, he closed his eyes, his lips moving in prayer. "Our father who art in heaven, hallowed by thy name. I think here’s a word missing, or am I wrong? notice his difficulty with breathing until he had to consciously … All, in all I think this chapter is even better than chapter twelve but it’s very nightmarish, of course.

I reviewed your POTC poem "A Fine Line"

Here is my review:

When I saw it was a poem, I wasn't sure what to expect; freeverse or couplet heck or even iambic pentameter. Overall I found it interesting. I'm assuming it's set[spelling error corrected from original review] after The Curse of the Black Pearl. (Per your Author's note at the end, I imagined it was Will).

There were some grammar mistakes in the final stanza. "I might be looking good in this dresses, but I feel like caged bird, I always did." I believe it should be "these dresses" and "feel like a caged bird." I feel the sentence structure in that line is a little strange as well. When i read the poem, I was trying to hear it in Elizabeth's voice and it just seemed very out of place there.

Similarly, in the stanza above it, the last line "And I know I wouldn’t survive, I mean" the last part 'I mean' also doesn't feel like it fits with the character of Elizabeth.

I did like the first stanza especially. The part of about love being a kind of madness is indeed very poetic.

As for what I'd like reviewed. I would very much appreciate a review for my one-shot Purged.

My review of Purged:

***

That was a fun fic. I remember that particular episode of Voyager because I had a thing for B'Elanna. The little exchange at the end was just what was needed to keep them in character and tie it back to cannon.

That being said, always imagined that if they were never interrupted that B'Elanna would have killed Tom (he's just not man enough for her.)

This was a short one-shot so I didn't really see anything to critic, good job.

***

Please review Silent Hill: Childe of Dark. I'm thinking about doing a reboot because I'm not completely satisfied with how this is starting. In particular I don't feel like it has enough of a hook and would appreciate any advice.

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