This topic is for you to ask for constructive criticism on your story, or to ask why it has no readers/reviews. (Note: This is not the place to ask for reviews, it is to ask why.) You may post links to your story here, but tell us why you want your story critiqued, as well. Do you have too little reviews? Reviewers giving conflicting advice? Not sure about the style or tone? Want critique on technical/style mistakes only? Note that if you post a link without any explanations the mods have the right to delete the post.

Your request/question is open for everyone on the site to answer, and please note that posting here does not guarantee that you will be answered. I don't have the time to look at every request and no one has volunteered to look at everything, either. (Although, previously, most of the requests have had at least one person look at them, we have a rather helpful community ^_^)

It would probably be helpful if you followed this template when asking for concrit:

Title: (title of your story)

Link: (link to your story)

Fandom: (e.g. Naruto, Harry Potter)

Rating: (some people don't read M ratings, so warning is nice)

Summary: (summary of your story)

Help: (what you want help with, which bits you're unsure of, why you want constructive criticism, etc.)

[Writers Anonymous also has another topic where you can ask for constructive criticism, but the catch is that you have to give some concrit first. I feel people are more likely to give you constructive criticism there, though, because you've helped someone else and contributed first. The topic is here (read the first post before you enter the game!): http://www.fanfiction.net/topic/2872/5228390/1/]

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Below are a few general suggestions as to why your story might not have any reviews. If you have something to add to this list, do tell me and I'll edit as necessary. And, of course, if you're wondering why you don't have reviews, do read the suggestions listed before asking your question ^_^ otherwise we might not bother to answer. I get annoyed at redundancy.

At the very bottom of the post I've listed writing websites that you may find useful in helping you improve your writing, for writing exercises, anything to do with writing, really.

The Title

[From Sophophobic] Many people agonise over getting a good title, but if you can't think of one, it's ok. Just don't name it "Untitled" or something similar, that doesn't tell anyone about the title at all! Also make sure it is spelled and capitalised correctly. Use proper English at all times, like what you see in proper books.

The Summary

Aside from making it interesting, make sure there are NO grammatical or spelling mistakes in your summary. These mistakes give people the impression that your story will be full of mistakes, too, and they'll be less inclined to read. Phrases like "No flames, please!" or "My first story, please R&R!" seem to turn people off, as well.

[From Big Sister Kitty] Do take note as well that some people aren't comfortable with reading slash, incest, student-teacher relationships, etc. It's courtesy to mention this in your summary, or, if it can't fit it, in your author's notes on the first chapter. Those strongly against these genres will be quite annoyed or angry to read a story and then have slash or something come up. No, it's not criminally wrong to write these stories, and lots of people do enjoy them - but please warn people. It's like warning people with an M rating or if you have explicit sex scenes. Some people just don't go for it.

Some people are into certain pairings, as well, if you are writing a romance story or have a prominent pairing, you can state it in your summary - that immediately attracts the attention of people who like that pairing. (However, stating pairings does turn some people off a story. It's up to your discretion whether you want to mention pairings; take into account the kind of readers you want to attract and what kind of story you're writing.)

The Story

Again, reduce the grammatical and spelling mistakes. Lots of mistakes are irritating and make people stop reading. Make sure your chapters aren't too short, either. It's difficult to convey something in only 100/200 words. Aim for a chapter at least 1000 words long, in my opinion. Generally, the longer the chapter, the better, but again, your chapter needs substance, not a whole lot of waffle just to make the word count higher.

[From Sophophobic] Make sure you have breaks between scenes. It is very annoying to read about so-and-so about to go to the library, and then suddenly reading about such-and-such, which take place in a gym and is across town from so-and-so. It confuses your readers because it takes them a while to realise a scene change has taken place, and it disrupts the flow of reading. You can use the horizontal rule ff.net provides in its document editor to break your scenes.

[From Sophophobic] A very, very important thing to have is PARAGRAPHS. No one will read your story if it's just a block of text. The brain immediately thinks it's going to be hard to read, and the reader in turn won't try to go through the whole thing.

Dictionaries

[From I'm not telling] Dictionaries are your friend, and when in doubt use them. Also try to use more than one, because they ARE NOT all the same and are NOT always correct (it's sad, but true).

Mary Sues

Lots of people like to create original characters. Unfortunately, Mary Sues are sometimes inadvertently created, and they usually annoy the heck out of readers. No, Mary Sues aren't criminally wrong, but lots of people don't like them. Maybe your character's ended up being a Mary Sue, so people aren't reading the story.

Wikipedia has a page explaining Mary Sues: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_sue

And this page has a test for your original character. Keep in mind these tests aren't the definitive guide, and a Mary Sue in one fandom may be a completely normal character in another. Always get a second (and third, and fourth!) opinion if you can. The universal Mary Sue litmus test: http://www.springhole.net/quizzes/marysue.htm

Updates

This is more of a suggestion than doing something wrong. Written your entire 10 chapter story? Don't post it all in one go. Try posting each chapter, say, once a week or every few days. Why? Every time you update your story gets more coverage. More people get to see it, more people get to read it, and following that you'd probably get more reviews, too.

Reviewing Etiquette

Reply to the reviews you've already gotten. Even a short one just thanking the reviewer. They'll be more inclined to review again in future because the author took the time to acknowledge their review.

[From cathrl] If you don't already, do some reviewing yourself. Leave the kind of reviews you'd like to get, for the sort of people you'd like to review you. Some of them might take a look at your story and review you in return.

[From cathrl] I'd lose the demands for reviews. It's usual to say "reviews welcomed" somewhere, but you do it a LOT, and it's more of a demand than a request. And many people won't review at all if they think a story is being "held hostage" for a certain number of reviews. They don't want to get involved with a fic that the author is prepared to stop posting at any time. They'll just go read something else.

Rating Taboo

[From I'm not telling] Some fandoms will have a bit of a rating taboo. So say if your story is an M rated fic, you could just be getting less people through to see it on principle alone. An adventure story, rated for just one descriptive/graphic scene may be put together with sex or torture stories, so it's best to be aware of it in your fandom. One way to fix that is to wait until the chapter with the scene is posted, an then up the rating to M. Another might be to just remove descriptions and make it a T rating.

Author's Notes

[From Sophophobic] Avoid making your author's note too long, we want to read your story, not a detailed account on what you did over the summer, or a fictional author-arguing-with-the-characters bit. Most readers are interested in the story, and they're not going to bother reading about things like that unless they know you personally. Plus, it tends to annoy readers and make them not read.

- - - - - - - - - -

List of Sites

Guide to Punctuation: http://www.informatics.sussex.ac.uk/department/docs/punctuation/node00.html

Punctuation in Dialogue: http://fictionwriting.about.com/od/writingexercises/qt/punctuation.htm

Paul Brians' list of Common Errors in English: http://www.wsu.edu/~brians/errors/index.html

Free writing mini-lessons: http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/

Specifically on fanfiction writing (by Ms. Nitpicker): http://littlecalamity.tripod.com/HowTo2.html

For those writing crossovers, this author might give you an idea of the "showing up in an unfamiliar world" reaction. He has free chapters of his stories available: http://smstirling.com/

Wikipedia (useful for research and as long as you know the name of what you're looking for): http://www.wikipedia.org/

Free online spell-checker: http://www.spellcheck.net/

Online dictionary: http://dictionary.reference.com/

Online rhyming dictionary: http://www.rhymezone.com

Title: A meeting in Mirkwood

Fandom: Lord of the Rings (But it´sn somewhat AU for its playing 1500 years before the Book)

Rating:K+

Summary: Legolas leaves the Halls of Thranduil and meets someone who is protected by the forest. Is this person a legend, or just one of the elves or both? Takes place about 1500 years before the Wars of the Rings!

This summary sucks and I know it, it makes the whole story sound like some romance fic which it is not, please help!

Help: I mostly need help with style for the Story is pretty much clear. I am German so my english isn´t best even more so for I am trying to differ my style a little bit from modern one. I have already got a review of someone liking the style but again I am not sure for the grammar plus there are some German phrases I tried to translate and I guess some of them turn out pretty bad.

If you want to give con-crits to my other storys I would be glad too. I have rewritten the first chapter of "The Message" two days ago after a very helpful review of AbCarter and I will try to apply this to the other chapters of the story but that will take some time.

Naheniel

Edited by mod to add link

Hi, this is my story which is not getting many reviews. Since it is not getting hardly any reviews, I'm not sure if it's bad or good. If it's bad, people aren't telling me what to fix and if it's good they aren't really telling me what's good about it....

Anyhow, here it is...

Title: Redemption

Fandom: Pirates of the Caribbean

Summary: A mysterious girl shows up on James Norrington’s doorstep and he finds himself drawn to her. Will this girl also capture his heart? Or will ambitions and past love get in the way? OC/James pairing. Takes place after the first movie.

Rating: T

Help: I need constructive criticism and I'm wondering how I can draw people in more.

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4296192/1/Redemption

I tried to apply the things AbCarter pointed out to the story and I hope it is better now.

Do you have some advice for the summary too? It sounds to much like a romance-fic at the moment and I want to change that somehow and I want to make the summary sound more interesting.

Story: A Meeting in Mirkwood

Summary: Legolas leaves the Halls of Thranduil and meets someone who is protected by the forest. Is this person a legend, or just one of the elves or both? Takes place about 1500 years before the Wars of the Rings!

Thank you

Naheniel

ps: can someone tell me how to insert links here?

Highlight the piece of text you want to insert a link for and then press the chain icon next to the 'Styles' button. (You don't need to do that in this topic anymore though coz AbCarter has very kindly put it in for you.)

As for your summary, I don't know what your story is about so I'm afraid I can't really help you there...

Well, this is my epic project for now,

Title/Link: 影の暴風雨 Shadow Tempest

Fandom: Naruto (third-Uchiha-survivor-OC fic) ~ I know those two points along make most people vomit, but...

Rating: T ~ No graphic violence or sexual situations, just some minor profanity from a bunch of teenagers. It's also not light reading.

Summary: It focuses mostly on the OC's life, but also follows the life and development of other characters. Although the OC is, after the first chapter, fixated on Itachi, it's not really a romance-centered fic, and even that 'reality' of her love for Itachi is questioned. I wanted (1) to see the Uchiha massacre from a female perspective instead of just Murderer/Avenger, (2) watch other characters as they develop, particularly over the timeskip. The main canon story focuses too much on the titular character Naruto, and doesn't give enough limelight to others. I wanted to cast a shadow across the illusion of a 'perfect life' --- something that no one has, no matter how good it seems, or how it was. When I first began, I adhered to canon, though stretching Itachi. After catching up about 15 volumes of the manga, my vision for this story actually matches canon very well.

Help: An OC story can easily Mary Sue, especially in this story where you have to either be a kickass ninja or a powerful, influential person to do anything worthwhile in this fandom (and well, if a character does nothing, what's the point?). The biggest problem (and probably turn-off) is that my first chapter is long and still only about the OC (she hasn't really met other people yet). It's long because I had no logical break point, and maybe that much Sairin is too much for readers (probably too *long* for fanbrats). I have asked others every so often to check up on the Mary Sue-ness, and I have so far passed their eyes, but still, it is always a concern. I mean, I *know* in my head, the way the story goes, that she will not be Mary Sue, but is she right now? Was she before? I account for her weapons, her skills. You can see her end up trailing behind in comparison to other characters.

I believe I can trust my grammar to be near free of flaws, and no one has pointed anything out, but... even after reviewers don't point anything out, I will revisit a chapter and find a mistake, even if only just one. I wonder if perhaps people are reading it closely enough to notice what might be wrong.

I also feel I have a tendency to work like the Naruto anime; since I already have the most important plotpoints mapped out, beginning to end, I sometimes run dry for all the parts in-between. I'd like some tips on this, because a story needs everything to stand. I mean, I haven't tried to add filler, but the stuff I relevantly fill-in is somewhat less enticing. It feels less real.

Title: Picturesque

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4507285/1/Picturesque

Fandom: Naruto

Rating: T - Contains shounen-ai, violence, and language

Summary: Being Kazekage means tending to his people's needs. Gaara is pulled into a new chapter in his life when a boy from the north has affections for him. Gaara's willing to work hard to be liked; that includes learning new lessons of life and love.

Help: I think the main thing that's throwing people off is the fact that my story has a boy/boy pairing. xP I many people aren't very tolerant of shounen-ai.

I'm trying to portray a loving relationship between the two of them and I'm trying to capture the life of a shinobi outside of their missions and traning.

I'm not very good a summaries, lol. But I don't write blocks of text. Nor do I do the thoughts, dreaming, "speaking", visions, ect. Thing. I'm not very good with first chapters either. xP I hope someone can help me out with the summaries and chapters things. If not, maybe it's the entire story I'm having trouble with.

Titles: Jacob and Renessme and Rukia, the blood sucking demon!

Link:Jacob and Renessme: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4488109/4/ Rukia, the bloodsucking demon girl!: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4284340/1/

Fandom: Twilight, Naruto

Rating: Teen for minor language. Twilight has graphical violence in the beginning

Summary: Jacob and Renessme: One day Bella and Edward can’t find Renessme. They look in the cottage that Esme built, no luck. A chain of events brings old friends to enemies, new friends, and old bonds formed more tightly. What will Bella do when she finds out that an old friends is behind everything? Read to find out

Rukia, the blood sucking demon!: When Naruto finds a girl while on patrol around Konoha,things go wrong! Sasuke is taken by her, he is under her spell. She can shapeshift into people whose blood she's sucked and Naruto is acting like a child.What's Konoha to do against this Akatski girl?

Help: I would like more review for these stories. I also want critics to help me get better w/ my writing. I know that i wish to know why I'm not getting reviews but if u would review then that would make me really, extremely happy. Thanks!

Title: The Diaries of Mindi Fursoul

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4516918/1/The_Diaries_of_Mindi_Fursoul

Fandom: Original/Castlevania. Will Expand.

Rating: Currently K+. will probebly go up to a T.

Summery: After helplessly wathcing a necromacer flee into a portal, Mindi has nothing else on her mind but to get them. As portals begin springing up all over the land, Could this be the Chance Mindi was looking for?

Help: At the moment, I'm unsure of the quality of my writing. I really wouldn't mind knowing if I'm doing anything utterly wrong, or maybe even things totally correct, though I think that's a stretch of my own imagination.

Hi,

I would like con-crit to the following story:

Title: Broken

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4559610/1/Broken

Summary: What does House feel about Stacy? And even more, what does he feel when she suddenly wants him back? This is a look inside the rough shell of House and a revelation of the thoughts that might lie behind the toughness. Season 2

Help: So far I have recieved a positive reaction here and another from someone I gave this for reading. Now I got the feedback that some sentences where to long and I had where istead of were sometimes but so far that was all. I am always at a loss with where and were and I do have a weakness for long sentences I guess. So what is your impression?

I just want to say thank you so much for this. I've taken the advice and tweaked my fic a bit and I will see what happens. It's fairly new and still in the early stages of the story so I won't post it up here for critique but i still received some great advice.

-Nessa

Title: DragonBall Gt : Prophecy Fortold

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4613051/1/DragonBall_Gt_Prophecy_Fortold

Fandom: DragonBallGt

Rating: T

Summary: It's still only one chapter, But I have a whole lot in mind for this Fanfic.

It plays after the Gt Series itself. When all saiyan's are known to be dead, I planned the story to have some major turn's. What I actually want is someone to give me some constructive criticism and tip's on how to improve my fanfiction. Also please be aware my spelling isn't all that great :p

Thank you

Title: Stuck In The Middle With You

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4633232/1/MetroidxHalo_Stuck_In_The_Middle_With_You

Fandom: Metroid/Halo crossover

Rating: T (might have just enough violence/language to qualify for an M, but I'm not a great judge on ratings)

Summary: A fairly simple premise; the UNSC are fighting the Covenant for control of a non-canon Halo when Metroid's Space Pirates arrive on the scene, looking to claim the Halo for themselves. Naturally, Samus Aran isn't far behind, she and the Master Chief end up teaming up, massive amounts of death and destruction ensue. Primarily centers around the Space Pirates and the Covenant battling each other, with the two heroes caught in the middle of the conflict (hence the title)

Help: To be honest, I just want any constructive criticism, at all. I've been putting my works up online for about a year or so and getting quite a few positive reactions from my readers, but have yet to recieve any negative criticism. I KNOW I'm not THAT good yet, so I just need somebody who really knows what they're talking about to go over my work with a fine-toothed comb and pick out all the problems so I know where I need to improve. Be brutal. PLEASE.

Title: The War.

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/secure/live_preview.php?storyid=3875796&chapter=1

Fandom: Metroid

Rating: M

Summary: After the events of MP3, Samus is tired, grieving at the loss of three of her few friends, and is already pushing herself to the brink in order to bury those feelings under work and hunting. However, the planet Phazze was much more then what anyone had suspected. Instead of it being the origin of Phazon itself, it was a seed planet, taken over and transformed by a race driven out by the combined racial military might of the Chozo, the Luminoth, and the Dragons.

And now that their long reaching plans have wiped out the Chozo, devastated the Luminoth, and manipulated the Dragons to the brink of extinction, they are returning to take back what was once theirs.

Now The Federation and the Pirates, along with Samus and Ridley, must join forces *albeit grudingly and with a lot of pain* to somehow save everything that still means something to them.

Help: Most of my reviewers are pleased with my vocab and spelling *Minor errors of course* and my descriptions of people and the enviroments are apparently farily decent. The first two chapters need the most revision for grammer and pacing, so please dont let the rather harsh style set you off.

However, what I am looking for is better dialoge, better pacing, better....hell, lets go for broke. I want to be better in everything, ok? Right now Im trying to get a massive space battle done and need so much help on it that its not even funny. After that *In the same chapter* I must get Samus into the enemy ship to shut down the EM field and reactivate her armor.

All in all, I am going for as close to real life as possible *With liberties of course on futuristic weapons/ships/armor/all that* while maintaining a sense of humanity and really driving home the horror of what war can do, and what it means to fight an enemy that is not after land, titles, rescources or anything else so material. These guys are after nothing less then the complete and total obliteration of every single life-form in the galaxy.

And right now, they are doing a pretty thorugh job of it.

So, what do ya think? Good, bad, so horrible you want to gouge out your eyes?

#254 Today, 7:06pmReply Mod Edit . Report Abuse . Delete Post .«

I actually have two stories that would need some help.

Story 1:

Title: Tale of Darken

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4468337/1/Tale_of_Darken

Fandom: Sonic the hedgehog

Rating: T

Summary: A new hero appears as if out of nowhere, but with him a new evil as well.He will have to join forces with Sonic and co. and find the seven elemental orbs if existence has any chance of prevailing.

Help: I would just want some constructive criticism. The whole story is written, so I do not think I can attract more people.

The second story is the sequel to the first.

Story2:

Title: Dimensional cataclysm

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4624020/1/Dimensional_cataclysm

Fandom: Sonic the hedgehog

Rating: T

Summary: Sequel to "Tale of Darken". As Darken thinks he can have a peaceful life helping defeat Eggman, he is shown the whole battlefield. Which spans dimensional proportions. Many challenges await, but he is not alone to face the powers of Chaos.

Help: Again, just some criticism, since it is already written.

Thanks in advance.

Title: Because

Fandome: Chronicles of Narnia

Summary: The Pevensie-children are back from their first trip to Narnia and these are the thoughts of them and some Narnians they met. How did they affect the lives of their friends? And what happened to Narnia after their Golden Age?

Rating: K+ (at the moment)

Since I have no reviews so far I am looking for help,

I am not sure if the summary sounds interesting enough.

I have parts of it already written although the beginning is up only but I want concrits so I can apply them to later chapters as well.

Is it clear that the first-person-narrator is dying? Should I do something different than I did with first person? This was my first try with it, so naturally I am a bit unsure about it.

Naheniel,

This is just my opinion, which isn't that great since i'm getting hardly any reviews either, but since I've read the story I'd say that your summary is incorrect. It's not the interesting part that I have a problem with, but the information there. I can tell you right away that summary doesn't seem to have much to do with anything that transpires in your story, except for the sentence 'how did they affect their friends".

Your summary should point out the major characters of your story, tumnus, and possibly lucy.

It should tell the reader that this is a story about tumnus' feelings of dismay at the leaving of the kings and queens. instead, your summary seems to cover this laaaarge area that you may have been considering makeing further chapters about or the like, but the way it is now, it should be far more narrowed.

You might also say that this is an aged, heartbroken tumnus. depending on how much you want to give away on the summary. My point is, with such a wide, football-field summary like the one you have, it really won't draw the right attention to your story, or hardly any at all.

just my opinion though.

i thought it was clear tumnus was dying. i'm also a genius that figures things out thats going to happen a very large percentage of the time in almost all movies, books, and shows that i watch, but i do believe that most normal people would be able to tell that he was clearly passing on.

first person is a style, and if it's yours i dont see much of a reason to change it.

well on to my story

Title: The Recruiters

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4030034/1/The_Recruiters

Fandom: Mostly Anime Crossover. Mainly Shenmue, Dragon Ball Z, Final Fantasy.

Rating: Currently PG-13+ for nudity and sexual references/statements.

Summary: EVERY universe from books, movies, tv shows, and games are combined into one universe, ours! Now the people must recruit together the heroes to save the world against the villains! May the epic and humorous battle begin! shenmue, dbz, final fantasy, etc.

Actual book summary: Every fictional universe that has existed, or ever will exist, has all been pulled into one universe by an unknown evil force, so he can destroy it all in one great blow.The evil being that has caused this is still building power, preparing to strike. This story centers on a small teenage boy from our modern day earth, living a normal life when suddenly all this happens around him. Originally what he believes is a dream come true, turns more into a super-powered nightmare as he gains friends and enemies from each and every fictional universe to ever exist. Together with the help of might heroes, he must band together the forces of good to defeat the horde of villains, and to battle the impending doom of the all-powerful evil one!

Help: I can't seem to get any bloody reviews. i don't know if it's just under anime x-overs or what, but I'm a pretty good writer. And I don't say that just to be arrogant or something, I've read a lot of books and I know a lot about writing. My family has talent in writing, and honestly, it's not that hard. I'm a good comedian and I love action, so that's what my book is full of. Yet, for some reason, I've never got a single review that wasn't hand directed by me personally to get someone to go there. Not once has anyone seen it on the site and thought 'gee i should review this!'. Clearly I'm doing something wrong somewhere. I realize now that making the prologue a wall of text might put some people off, so i inted to fix that. Other then that, I'm still updating it to this day.

Honestly, I'm not really THAT worried, because I enjoy writing it, and I enjoy reading it especially, as does my sister and the one or two friends I can get to read it. In fact i've never got a bad review from any of my friends, not like that's saying much though coming from 'friends'.

It just seems like if this could somehow get under the public eye, I'd have hundreds or even thousands of fans.

Hi,

thank you Sparty,

to the summary actually this will be multichaptered, so there will be other main characters as well. I am just taking my time to update it ( I have planned Susan, the professer, Peter, Edmond, the mother of the four, and m,aybe even the beavers as well), so this is not major L/T their chapters were simply first.

( I changed a lot after you reviewd so you might have not seen it yet)

assuming you do as you say, i'd say that it isn't that bad information wise as to the plotline of your story then. Still, if it hasn't been updated yet, i'd change the summary to something more fitting of what it currently is. Right now (if it hasnt been updated yet), it's a emotional/despair-ish short story. anyone who does read your story based on the summary will likely be somewhat dissapointed with only the one chapter. Most of the things mentioned in the summary don't come to pass. PM me (if thats possible) if you want to continue the conversation, so we don't spam up the topic here.

I'm have two stories, but what I'm really wondering is what style I should stick with. One I focused more on "Voice" and another I was more onto just doing an story-teller like air. I know I'm not the best writer on earth, but I really need someone to tell me on which style I should stick with. Here they are:

Title: Through Golden Eyes

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4509343/1/Through_Golden_Eyes_MAX_RIDE_GROUP

Fandom: Maximum Ride/Twilight

Rating: T

Summary: It's from the point of veiw of a vampire who was kidnapped while traveling through California who gets kidnapped by 'the School' and they run her through the whole nine yards in Avian-Human (or in this case vamp) experiments. Max and the flock reluctantly take her in (Angel insisted) after escaping the house of horrors. She documents all the experiances she and the flock are going through, keeping quiet and letting things flow as if she weren't there, hoping that with the flock she can shake the mad scientists at the school before she leaves and heads up to Forks Washington, where she had origanally arranged with Carlisle that she would join his coven.

Help: This is the one I primly focoused on voice, and I only have one chapter up. I've only got four reveiws, (not really a big shock, really) and all of them seem positive. I really want to see if my writing is stronger in this style or not.

------------------------------------------------------

Title: Of what became of Fire and Ice

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4300741/1/Of_what_Became_of_Fire_and_Ice_MW

Fandom: Twilight

Rating: T

Summary: It's the year 2112 and the world is in chaos. The ultimate battle between Werwolf, Human, and Vampire has finally begun, and one girl gains the power to decide who will prevail. Who will she choose? Familiar Fire or Consumeing Ice?

Help: In this one I focused more on description and storyline, but has three chapters. Same question as before, Is this better or worse than my 'voice' writing? I need help! I want to know which I'm better so I can work at it... not try to pursue somthing that will most likely end up as my Akilie's heel. Please tell me what you think!

Ok, I've changed my mind. The reason: I've gotten a nice number of hits (larger than it's usual when the latest chapter has already been on the site for some time, which makes me think some of you did read the story/chapter), but no (constructive) criticism whatsoever. That makes me think I'm so terrible that no one even dare start "talking" about my shortcomings. I wouldn't have minded "brutal" concrit, but getting none has really gotten to me. *wonders why she uses 'get' so much * So, yeah, I've changed my mind and that's why I'm removing the links.

Peace & Love,

Amelia

P.S. If I keep telling to myself that the only reason I didn't get any concrit is the fact that there are few CJ fans here, maybe I'll actually start believing that... :))

P.P.S. Sorry if you think I'm being a bit oversensitive here, but I can't help it.

Hey there folks- I got a bit of an update about my the recruiters book. I post a new one rather then editing cuz noone is gonna check all the posts just to see if somethnig got edited xD

mainly, It was brought to my attention that the summary for my book, sucks. Mainly because it sounds like its written like an average, crappy, 2093823 people in one book fic. which it's not. It's NEVER super confusing like that.

so here's my summary:

EVERY universe from books, movies, tv shows, and games are combined into one universe, ours! Now the people must recruit together the heroes to save the world against the villains! May the epic and humorous battle begin! shenmue, dbz, final fantasy, etc.

And here's the real summary for the book:

-Every fictional universe that has existed, or ever will exist, has all been pulled into one universe by an unknown evil force, so he can destroy it all in one great blow. However, bringing the entire multi-verse together into one gigantic planet has greatly drained his enegery, so the evil being that has caused this is still building power, preparing to strike. This story centers on a small teenage boy from our modern day earth, living a normal life when suddenly all this happens around him. Originally what he believes is a dream come true, turns more into a super-powered nightmare as he gains friends and enemies from each and every fictional universe to ever exist. Together with the help of mighty heroes, he must band together the forces of good to defeat the horde of villains, and to battle the impending doom of the all-powerful evil one!

So, WHAT SHAZ I PUT IN THERE?!! i dunno halp :(

Pet peeve 1 for me. Phrases like "No flames, please!" or "My first story, please R&R!" seem to turn people off, as well. That displays to me that the Author cannot handle criticism so I am like. "Okaaaaaaaaaaay My opinion will probably be squezzed out of the picture so I'll move on."

I can't tell you how much I HATE those review phrases the Author puts out. She might as well stick a gun and say bluntly "Review or I'll shoot"

2.

[From Sophophobic] "Avoid making your author's note too long, we want to read your story, not a detailed account on what you did over the summer, or a fictional author-arguing-with-the-characters bit. Most readers are interested in the story, and they're not going to bother reading about things like that unless they know you personally. Plus, it tends to annoy readers and make them not read."

I more then agree though if the story is exceptionable I will read on but otherwise....nope.

- - - - - - -

Naheniel

Title: A meeting in Mirkwood

Fandom: Lord of the Rings (But it´sn somewhat AU for its playing 1500 years before the Book)

Rating:K+

Summary: Legolas leaves the Halls of Thranduil and meets someone who is protected by the forest. Is this person a legend, or just one of the elves or both? Takes place about 1500 years before the Wars of the Rings!

This summary sucks and I know it, it makes the whole story sound like some romance fic which it is not, please help!

Help: I mostly need help with style for the Story is pretty much clear. I am German so my english isn´t best even more so for I am trying to differ my style a little bit from modern one. I have already got a review of someone liking the style but again I am not sure for the grammar plus there are some German phrases I tried to translate and I guess some of them turn out pretty bad.

If you want to give con-crits to my other storys I would be glad too. I have rewritten the first chapter of "The Message" two days ago after a very helpful review of AbCarter and I will try to apply this to the other chapters of the story but that will take some time.

Naheniel

Edited by mod to add link

To me it screams Mary Sue..Dunno why but I feel put off by it. I feel like there is a Forest-Mage Guardian with a love-romance and she is VERY MUCH Mary Sue.

If you would have actually READ the story you would see that I have even in the AN that there is NO romance. And my char has NO magical powers either.

Sorry if that was blunt, but I didn´t state in the AN for no reason that there will be no love/romance at any point. And how can there be any romance if the main characters have not even really met yet? I don´t understand!

And I never said something about that being magic, see in the original book forests hate people if they are bad, so why don´t they like someone who protects them? This is however no magic.

"protected by the forest" - this implys magic, since the forest isn't exactly alive, unless it's like treants, which isn't the first thing people think of.

and i'm pretty sure she was talking about the summary+name of the story, and what impression that gave

Well read Tolkien: Trees are alive and just think about the huorns that were NO ents and scared the orks to death, this is not magic because there is no real magic in the Tolkien world and I am aware of that.

And you should even see from the summary because it was said there that the story is NO ROMACE. I am not writing this for no reasing, I know the cliché well enough, this is why I am stating the "No Legomance"-fact right away!

What does Gandalf use then? And I thought the rings were magical? I never read the books, but I never heard there was no magic in LOTR before...

yeah but, where in the summary did it say no romance?

rofl legomance that's sad if soooo many people do that they made up a word for it lol. assuming u didn't just make it up urself, but either way it's still funny haha

What does Gandalf use then

Gandalf is a Maia! Maia are being that can be compared to weak gods. They are servants of the valar, the "gods".

And I thought the rings were magical

There is no magic in middle earth, at least no magic like in Harry potter. People don´t go and cast spells. The trees in middle earth are you could say alive and they, that was in the books, do something against people they dislike actively although you don´t recognize it right away.

My story is book-verse so I think it would be important to have read the books to tell me something it is not canon. This is however different with telling me something is not logical.

No Legomance just friendship!

Quote out of my summary. Legomance =Logolas+Romance which is used quite often in this fandome. I do not write stories that are legolas-romance, I know that people dislike them but I tend to dislike them as well.

Anyway there can´t be something like romance if two characters have not met yet.

really, interesting. I think tolkien was better of just leaving it as him being a magic-user. But since it was before D&D... I guess maybe tolkien just had a clearer 'definition'.

Doesn't the summary make it clear that they are GOING to meet? That them meeting is one of the main points in the book? That's what the summary implys

really, interesting. I think tolkien was better of just leaving it as him being a magic-user

Sparty please stop, you are making no sense here! Tolkien wrote the books like 60 years ago!!!!! This is his world and he created a huge universe! These movies perverted his whole world in places. Sorry if this is blunt but if you want to discuss canon with me I would ask you to get at least a little bit familiar with it.

Doesn't the summary make it clear that they are GOING to meet?

They do meet. And so? Does meeting automatically mean falling in love or having breathtaking sex? Do I sleep with every person I meet? Do I fall in love with every person I meet? Please think about this before writing and answer, this is why i stated it was just FRIENDSHIP!

Da Dual Me

Fandom: Dbz

Rated T

Summary:

The saiyan, Jahan, is tranformed accidentally by his old friend, who is a magicain. He now has to to live with the fact that his not a boy anymore.

Help: I need some new ideas of what can happen, something to make it better than good, or maybe grammatical improvement.

Title: OCW: New Beginning

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4691706/1/OCW_Volume_One_New_Beginning

Fandom: WWE Wrestling

Rating: T

Summary: Four years ago the Cult Classic Wrestling Federation OCW fell. Now chairman Tommy Lee is back and preparing a new roster and some new enemies as he joins the war which is the wrestling industry.

Help: I'm just a lil lost with what to do next with the minor characters. I want to develop more of them.

Title: Erik Erikson and the Curse of Deveraux

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3930924/1/Eric_Erikson_and_the_Curse_of_Deveraux#

Fandom: Harry Potter

Rating: K+

Summary: This story is the American equivalent to Hogwarts. Americans, like the British, are skeptical of Harry Potter's assertions that the Dark Lord has written (fifth book). Stephanie, whose cousin (Angelina Johnson) attends Hogwarts, is trying to get her friends to believe in Harry Potter. She creates a defense club similar to Dumbledore's Army, but her plans are thwarted by the increasing involvement of the government in the school's affairs. Her close friend, Erik, is skeptical too, but believes only because he wants to avenge his father's death. A new teacher joins the school with ties to Death Eaters' organization in America. Erik doesn't trust him, but there are many secrets that the both of them need to discover, in order to survive in a dangerous world.

Help: Does the plot so far make sense? Are the characters believable? What do I do well and what do I need improvement on?

Title: Liar

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3210798/1/Liar)

Fandom: Inuyasha

Rating: M

Summary: Kouga plays a dangerous game and is caught within Sesshoumaru's powerful clutches. Sesshoumaru, claims to live without love while deep inside living a lie of his own. Yaoi.

Help: I've been stuck on this story for the longest, and haven't updated simply because I don't know where it's going. The reviews I've been getting haven't helped much except to encourage me to update and/or finish. CC (constructive criticism) would really benefit me, in case of any plot holes or anything of the sort. I don't have a weak heart, so be honest.

I'll be sure to ceck out the story of the last person that posted. As for me...

Title: Mortal Kombat: The Chariot

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4683162/1/Mortal_Kombat_The_Chariot

Fandom: Mortal Kombat

Rating: T

Summary: When Kobra is given the opportunity to serve Earthrealm in Mortal Kombat, he believes that he is prepared for anything. But what happens when the rules of the tournament have been corrupted, and the beings that were once sworn to protect us have departed? This is obviously an Alternate Universe type deal where instead of Kobra joinung the Black Dragons he enlist with Earthrealm warriors. The story loosely follows events of the 2nd and 3rd games, along with events leading up to Armageddon, and while it is still very early, I plan on including EVERY MORTAL KOMBAT CHARACTER in one way or another.

Help: Well, I was hoping to get some help with how well people thought my first fight scene in the story played out, as well as characterization and dialogue. Thanks :)

Title: Corruption of the playground

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/secure/story/story_preview.php?storyid=4749482

Fandom: Recess

Rating: T

Summary: A new kid student ends up causing Randall to spy harder for Finster. TJ tries to stop him and stumbles onto a dangerous and disturbing conspiracy. Set in the 6th grade. Digimon Season 2 crossover. Subject matter may force the rating to M

Help: I’m worried that my writing style doesn’t help the reader understand the story. Does the plot make sense? Are the chapters slow or boring?

I'll take a look at the last fict

Title: Denouement

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4671609/1/Denouement

Fandom: Pellinor

Rating: T for angst and suggested adult situation (nothing graphic)

Summary: Maerad arrives on Innail's doorstep during a blizzard, battered and beaten. Despite the questioning of her closest friends, she does not tell them what happened while she was away. Cadvan suspects something is seriously amiss, but has yet to learn the awful truth.

Help: The problem is definitely not the reviews- I have enough of them. However, only a few address things I could improve on like plot, characters, and spelling/grammar. I by no means, think it is a beginner fic, but I could greatly use some concrit that is actually going to help me better my writing instead of recieving a review like "awwww update soon!" So even if you do not know the fandom, I would appreciate any concrit. And to any of you who read it, I could use help formulating a better summary =p Thank you

Title: Sometimes

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4778166/1/Sometimes

Fandom: Fairy Tales/Ballet (Giselle, specifically)

Rating: K+ It's a bit angst-ish, but I didn't think it was enough for me to rate it T.

Summary: -Giselle- But that’s your punishment, isn’t it? To make me hurt and cry for the rest of my life for taking yours away from you. And what a fitting punishment that is.

Help: I'd like a bit of help on the emotions in the story. I'm not sure if the reader can really connect to the character's emotions, and I'd like help on that. A little help with grammar and spelling (just in case!) would be nice and appreciated as well. XD Um, and a bit on the repetition; I wasn't sure if it fit in too well.

Thanks much.

Title: Remember

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4770870/1/Remember

Fandom: Metroid

Rating: T

Summary: A burst of flame, a flash of claws and a piercing scream, all came down on her at once, riding on reptilian wings. Samus and Ridley's deadly dance of death.

Help: I usually write very blunt, direct and descriptive. This story was a huge departure from that, more styleistic than usual, so I want to know how well I pulled it off. Did those styleistic elements come across and were they effective? Just as examples, I have no dialog what so ever, I never use their names, and I end the two sections of the story with a very similar phrase.

Also, if you can and care to spend the extra effort, tell me if it matches the feel of the song that inspired it.

For those not familiar with the fandom. Ridley(The Dragon) wiped out Samus'(The Hunter) entire colony when she was a small child in a brutal raid. The event traumatised her and ultimately drover her to becoming a bounty hunter.

Title: The Missing Princess (Title Due to change)

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4712403/1/The_Missing_Princess

Fandom: One Piece

Summary: She’s a wanted princess, ran away from home to escape a life she didn’t want. He was once a hunter but now he became the hunted. When they meet its fireworks. What happens when everybody figures out her secret? Main pairing ZoloXOC NamiXLufy

Help: In reality, i think this story is in need of despirate help, I just really need help, you see I'm used to writing AU (Alternate Universe), Bleach Stories, and Beyblade, so I'm in a bit of a mess. So please if you could help that would be great!

But if you can't because, well for whatever reason that is ok :)

Thank you for your time

Darkheart1992

Title: The day the god died.

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4670635/1/The_day_the_god_died

Fandom: Pokemon

Rating: T

Summary: This is basically a simple one-shot of a simple pattern that goes like this - There's a problem, there's a bad guy, but the guy is in fact good. But, seriously, it's about pokemon little programming glitch, missingno, and how Arceus and the band react to that quirk.

Help: General help required. That is, a general overview of my writing style/grammar/vocabulary/storytelling/plot flow.

I'll be very, very grateful for review, as a) nobody said anything about my story, and b) i began writing something else and thus would welcome hard criticism/praise, as i need it.

I haven't been getting reviews

Tittle: Struggles

link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4789543/1/Struggles

Fandom: Hannah Montanna

Rating: T

Summery: When her best friend goes missing and her perfect life starts to fall apart what will she do? when something good finally happens and it only makes things worse. will she stay toghther?

Help: i need critism tell me what im doing wrong and why its not getting reviews

thank,

Meg

Title: OCW: New Beginning

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/secure/story/story_preview.php?storyid=4790533

Fandom: Pro Wrestling

Rating: T

Summary: Four years ago the Cult Classic Wrestling Federation OCW fell. Now chairman Tommy Lee is back and preparing a new roster and some new enemies as he joins the war which is the wrestling industry. Please Read and Reply

Help: I haven't gotten many hits off of it, this is the latest draft after going from a screenplay form to a story form after practically everyone hated the screenplay form.

Title: The Desired (thinking about changing it)

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4464060/1/The_Desired

Fandom: Naruto

Rating: M, but only because of some (I think) graphic scenes

Summary:

A year after their last encounter with Sasuke, Sakura and Naruto have trained hard to bring him back, but their quest to save him takes a back seat when Akatsuki and Orochimaru set their sights on a new target...Sakura. SakuraXMany M to be safe

Help:

I've been getting some reviews, but no one is being really critical of my writing, and I need some honest opinions. I'm not too worried about the grammar and spelling, because I'm going over it myself, but if you see any consistent problems I'd like to know. I have no idea how I am as a writer because I've really never written anything before this. I want to be critiqued on character development, story flow, everything. I want to be able to pull the reader in and keep them interested. Please, please help!

Hey guys,

I'm currenty re-vamping one of my fics and would appreciate any advice, concrit and general ways to improve what I've got already. I've already started, but I would appreciate a some other people to suggest ways incase I miss anything.

Doesn't really have to be reviews, a PM would be just as good, I would just be grateful for any advice!

Title: A Life In Sherwood

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4279309/1/A_Life_in_Sherwood

Fandom: Robin Hood

Summary: The tale of the life of Maid Marian, consort of the outlaw Robin Hood. Marian is the daughter of a rich noble, but the injustice of the politics of medieval England causes her to take a different path than the one her father wants her to.

Help: Checking of spelling, grammar, how the story flows, the characters, anything worth mentioning. Like I said, just generally a second opinion on ways to improve it would be great.

Thank you!

Title: Cry Wolf

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4819738/1/Cry_Wolf

Fandom: Van Helsing

Summary: Several years before Van Helsing, Anna is fourteen and the Valerious are struggling against the curse of the werewolf. It is the eve of Anna's first werewolf hunt and though her family are very protective of her, the werewolves have other ideas.

Help: Basically just your opinion on the story, what you consider its good/bad points to be and suggestions for improvement, as this story has not had many reviews and I would be extremely grateful for hints on how to improve my writing.

Thank you!

Title: Tales Of The Brave Sanin

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4826131/1/Tales_Of_The_Brave_Sanin

Fandom: Tales Of Symphonia w SOME Naruto-ish action the main is Hiroshi who is a Sanin

Rating: Teen-Light flirtatious behavior, fantasy violance, intence and sinister villains.

Summary: Hiroshi Uchiha is a multi skilled kid to be sure. Not only has he learned through his life and sorted out his past (FINALLY) he is also a Self trained Sanin and a member of the Legendary Team Starfox. He met and became Sharra's master (yes I do mean from Sonic and The Secret Rings) in his latest venture but nowadays things have been getting a bit boring for him. So boring in fact that he sleepwishes that he could meet an exciting girl in Symphonia (from Dawn Of A New World) and is sent there. Through a slightly comical adventure he'll finally be rid of General Scales and Symphonia's gang of heroes who have their own troubles with his help. Sharra also seems to have some strange connection to this world, but what is it exactly? You'll have to read to find out!

Help: I need help with Dialogue, description, and to fans(I use that term lightly) I'm also concerned about my "skits" so far. Which I'm hoping will bring the material closer to the game. Also you don't have to be a Naruto fan to understand most of Hiroshi's moves cause he'll explain them in-story. He will also explain a bunch of the minor things(the little "how it works" speach) at different times in the story. THAT or you'll "see" and understand it through the Narration of the battles. I am experementing on improving my description and you'll probably notice a difference within a few chapters. Gramatical advice is also in some need and Narration tips as well. Comentary on the story itself would also be very usefull in development. But first a gentle nudge works, if it doesn't, keep being a little more pushing. Don't shove twice as hard, examples and research sources work much better.

I have just had a brief look at the story. Please note it was brief but to be honest I died away because of the AN already. AN should be a short note, saying short things that are important like disclaimers, thanking the betas, and so on. I even gave a hint that an origin of the story was to be found in my profile but that should be all.

People don´t want to read a huge explanation about your story. They want to start with the story right away. I as a reader don´t want to read an explanation about the characters before I start the story, sou should do all the facts about them in the story, in your descriptions. And you should separate the ANs from the story better because I don´t see on first sight where the ANs end. I shouldn´t have to search the text for the ANs to end!

If you want to have further explanation for your stories then there is plenty of space in your profile. You could have each of your stories be like an own paragraph and write the explanation there if you really want to keep it. People who are interested will probably follow the hint that further information about the story can be found in your profile, but don´t throw it at them before they even had the chance to like the real story.

EDIT: After going through your story I left a review with more advice.

Hope it will help.

Title: Torment

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4758439/1/Torment

Fandom: Yu-Gi-Oh

Rating: M

Summary: Abducted, imprisoned and subjected to horrific ordeals, the gang must attempt to maintain the bonds between them, to prevent their minds from shattering completely. Rated M for violence, some language and strong sexual scenes.

Help: I think I already know why it's not got a lot of reviews, the M rating and depressing sounding summary (and the story itself isn't too pleasant) probably turn people off, but it still means I don't get any constructive criticism. I've said in a few of the AN for people to feel free to do so, but the reviews I have gotten don't seem to have any problem to criticize in the first place. While I'm delighted they like my story that much, I wouldn't mind someone pointing out any flaws so that I could work on them, since I'm actually quite new to writing seriously like this, and I'd like to know if there's anywhere I'm going wrong, just to stop it early on, rather than going on for years making the same mistake.

Yeah, Hiroshi's pretty much dead after this fic ether way though. Well he doesn't die in the end of the story, but he does do something kinda mean to the others that's similar. I made a new version of Hiroshi for my marvel fic which may become a series on it's own. Like he'll be forming his own little X-team of young mutants(15-20) and such. THAT's the one I'm going to put on the profile characterwize. But yeah I'll rearange my profile to put somewhat detailed summeries of my stories and what fandom they are. Hmm, I guess I could use a HR to break the AN's too.

I read your review, a bit blunt...but not like ZU; that's just painful even if they really were trying to help. XD Hmm, come to think of it I do have one question. What about the story makes it interesting? I guess the clever yet descreet ways I blended a couple fandoms together or something. Well the only thing I feel like I can work on authorwise right now is my description and narration and my grammar.

*yawns* I'm kinda tired, so I'm gonna play a bit of a video game I rented before I go to bed. XD

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