Well, I don't know about any of you, but I for one am a serious reviewer of stories. Not just fanfiction, but all books and movies and stuff. Not that I get paid for it or anything, I just enjoy it immesely. So if any of you people out there really, seriously want to improve your writing, you should send it to here, the Reviewer's Lounge. Which by that point in time(the time you send something in) just might contain someone other then me to look at your writing and give you an annoyingly honest opinion. This is how it works: Send it in, and anyone in the Reviewer's Lounge will read it, and then will send you a short review on your actual story telling whether their long review, which will be here so that everyone can find the good stories and the long reviews about it on the same page, is good or bad and such. Like I could say in the posted-on-her/his-story-review: "My review is complete, this was alright, thanks for writing it" or something, because everyone enjoys real reviews as well as honest feedback. Also, this way people can discuss which reviews they feel are correct, if they want to.

Warning: HONEST opinions people, but that doesn't mean you go on and tell someone that they should drink rat poison and that their nose is ugly and the such. Insult the writing in a usefull way, flamers are just as useless as Mary Sues and bad spell-checkers. You want to be the second example I'm about to show you.

EXAMPLES:

Flamer: This sucks! You should just give up writing! Everything was wrong with it, and your writing makes me think you're fat!

Reviewer's Lounge style review: You have quite a bit to work on, but such and such insert posotive example here was good. Perhaps you should let a beta or two run through your stories though, there were quite a few mistakes. Try to use more similies and metaphors as apposed to telling the story in the way you did, it ended up sounding a little choppy. For example: blah blah blah, go on with examples and such. Examples are always good.

Liar: Everything was perfect! OMG, way to go! You should win awards, don't ever change!

So that's basically what this topic is for. If anyone wants to post anything, go ahead. Send us your under-reviewed work... mwa haha ha...

Haha, I guess I'll try... Truthfully, I'm pretty scared to hear an honest opinion, especially since I feel like this is the worst of my Tsubasa stories... But here ya go:

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4516339/1/Dance_with_the_Devil

It certainly had a quality, but I kept getting distracted by minor errors. You should probably get a beta, because your writing really is pretty good.

I listened to the song while I read it, and the lyrics really do match to certain aspects of their relationship. I like how you showed their relationship without being too mushy or trying to turn it into something it isn't. The switching POVs were nice too, and especially the confusion of the characters. Some part of me likes to believe that Kurogane knew exactly what he was doing and was entirely focused when he cut off his arm, but this fic is true in making him a little confused. No one chops off their arm without a second thought, and you showed it as something he was sure he had to do and the confusion didn't matter.

I liked the statement that they were "both going to hell anyway." Again, wonderful how you showed their relationship without being mushy.

Overall, there were times when it seemed choppy, and like characters were speaking directly from the lyrics in a way. It's better to have metaphors and comparisons that show and not tell with songfics, but it really did have substance. Keep writing, because you do have talent.

Damn it, I sound like I'm a judge on American Idol...

Anyway, keep writing, you do have quite a talent, but get a beta. Betas are ALWAYS needed. For EVERYONE. They just generally make the world a better place.

~Wallpaper

Thanks!

When I started reading your review, I couldn't really even remember my fic and couldn't remember what you were talking about, so I had to go back and read it... I noticed a few of those little mistakes you mentioned.

Yeah, I know some parts were pretty choppy... I tried not to write to the music, but I ended up doing it anyways ;;

That's a good idea. I'll try to find a beta, lol

Again, thanks so much!!

Your welcome. ^_^

I love your icon, by the way.

Thanks :) I randomly found it a few months ago... I don't really remember where, though ;;

I like yours, too

Lol, thanks. I really want to change it to this one I saw as part of a montage that was Fai holding a pen with the words "Writers are liars, my dear" above his head, but I keep forgetting every time I go on the computer to look for it or anything. Or maybe change it to another one from that montage.

Ooh, that sounds cool ^_^

*is extremely nervous* I think I'll put in a shorter story right now to see what you think. *bites lip*

Magician

To be honest I had never considered Fai viewing his magic as something that wanted to help- since we learned that he can’t do healing spells and can only memorize things that harm people, I always felt he would view magic as one of the terrible parts of him.

I did however completely love how you made it be that it was more than part of him, the ability to twist the world around him basically was him and he was it.

“It is haunting, cheerful, and fake, and the ninja finds this to be so obvious that he wonders why no one else can see this liar…”

That was very good. I just really liked those three words in the beginning, haunting cheerful and fake, spoken so bluntly and with the slightest edge of resentment and odd admiration. It’s a very Kuro-ish thing to do, and very Fai-like in description.

“…he observes Fai’s smile, and finds he knows much more from this smile than he knows from Fai’s own words. Fai is begging. Fai is begging and pleading help me, help me please but wait no don’t help me, hate me, hate me instead NO! don’t hate me, please don’t hate me, take me away NO! stay away from me, please stay away, I don’t want to hurt you! and the ninja stores this into the back of his mind into the steadily growing folder of the magician, confused about this heaviness in his chest but determined to figure out this complex puzzle.”

This was good as well. Generally that whole paragraph was really good. I had the slightest unhappiness with the word ‘begging’ for some reason, though it fit in the end. Again, I like the poetically blunt simplicity. Especially in Kurogane’s mind- and him confused about the heaviness in his chest.

“The man was surprised when he was able to grab the slender magician’s forearm in Tokyo without Fai’s knowledge, but then again, there was something quite broken about him that night.”

That was lovely, too. Wow, you know this is really good so far.

“Kurogane feels how surprisingly warm his fingers are, and how smooth and caressing they feel against his skin. And as he slides his fingers down the taller man’s forearm, Fai’s eye flickers up to catch his gaze and the taller man sees the underlying smirk beneath his blank gaze. He is mocking. He mocks the ninja, asking with his hands do you feel me, Kurogane? Do you feel my warm hands holding yours? Don’t you wish for me not to call you by your full name? Or do you like this, Kurogane? Do you see what you did? Do you see the monster in front of you? but Fai stops and his eye hardens and Kurogane knows he said too much. He drinks and leaves without another touch, and Kurogane starts to understand what this dull pain is.”

Ah! Very good! So sad and so very good! It sounds almost… sexual, in a very subtext-CLAMP-ish-way, and not overdone.

“Because while Fai speaks, he does not talk, he does not tell, he does not explain anything, and the ninja wonders if at the time when Kurogane could not understand, the magician told him everything. He would be the one to do that, to tell the truth while simultaneously lie through his teeth.”

I actually thought this, I’ve been thinking this for a while- in fact I just wrote a fic about it an uploaded it.

“It frustrates him, it annoys him, it angers him and irks him and confuses him and worries him and maybe damn it, maybe everything about this magician makes him care.”

Too much thesaurus for the first part, it seems. The last part though sounds very Kuro-ish. Saying: Damn it, maybe everything about this magician makes him care. It’s sooooo Kurogane. That should be a compliment now. Shoes aren’t so cool anymore, they’re so Kurogane. Haha. Ok, going back to long review.

“And he wants the truth from the person that he maybe possibly loves, so he will push through and fight and force the magician to tell the truth but then Tokyo Syaoran and Infinity Sakura and Valeria Fai and Celes Ashura.”

Finish the sentence- just with a ‘happen’ or something.

“Kurogane glances at the once-magician and accepts that Fai will always be an idiotically kind person, and consequently accepts the arm as his own.”

Hehe! I like this one too- Fai, while being self despising and stuck in the past, is also an extremely kind person. And he is in fact an idiot, and yet again it is a very Kurogane-e thing to say. In fact… didn’t he say it in canon? In so many words…

I suppose I like the whole ‘Family’ dynamic that is used so often in which Kurogane is Dad and Fai is Mom and Syaoran and Sakura are the children, but there do seem to be times when it is overused, especially in Kurogane’s POV. Like, we all know it’s true, but it seems to me like Kurogane wouldn’t actually use words to awknolege it. I don’t know.

“’You’ll get it back,’ the red-eyed man states gruffly. Fai glances at him in surprise and he looks back intently. ‘You’ll get it back, but you might not use it often. The power of a mage is not only to what extent he can use his magic, but to what degree he can control it. I’ll make sure you’ll get it back.’ A glare is directed at the blond, a challenge to see if there will be truth within that lone golden eye if-not if, but when-it turns to blue.

Fai laughs quietly, a small strained chuckle that sounds a little too like a reluctant sob. He looks at Kurogane oddly, eyes shining brightly, looking sad while hopeful and earnest while tired.”

Ok, that was just wonderful. That was sooo Kurogane. And Fai. I like how you didn’t over-explain it, because it really wasn’t necessary. The emotions each are feeling are starkly obvious in a lovely kind of way. Good job for showing and not telling.

“He waits because he sees the slight hesitation and the biting of the lip and the fear of the unknown, because whatever might happen will be unknown territory and Kurogane doesn’t know what will happen but he’s ready for this but only if Fai initiates it.”

A bit of a run on, which makes it sound rushed, which is probably the last thing you want to do at this particular moment. Try this:

He waits because he sees the slight hesitation and the biting of the lip and the fear of the unknown, because whatever might happen will be unknown territory. Kurogane doesn’t know what will happen, but he’s ready for this, but only if Fai initiates it.

“Fai loves Kurogane, a simple, complete love that means much more.”

Hell, I think I might be copying and pasting your entire story onto this. Anyway- This paragraph is really very beautiful, but there’s just one thing I didn’t like. When in the last sentence you say how Fai loves Kurogane, the way you phrase it almost makes it sound as though him loving Kurogane is much more important than all the other people he loves or has loved. (…this may be true… o_O) Anyway, it just sort of came off as something that lessens the others slightly, and there are several ways to phrase it that say the same thing but don’t do that. Like, I don’t know, it might just be me because I was always a fan of the whole romantic love being ‘not more, just different.’

“Unfortunately, Fai's magic returns to him sooner rather than later at the sacrifice of his own son. With his magic once again settling in familiar territory, Fai fights alongside Kurogane with a steely determination and a grief-stricken heart to make sure Syaoran hasn’t died in vain. The magician will not die tonight.”

Sudden and dark, but not in a bad way. In a Tsubasa-ish way. As for the last line though, please, please make that be true CLAMP! Or God, whoever’s more powerful!

Generally, I really did like this. It was beautiful in its idea and written very well. Of course there were things I didn’t think fit, but I feel I explained them all in detail during this… um… *double checks* four page long review. o_O

Well then. But I suppose this is the point of the Reviewer’s Lounge.

Oh, and people, would someone else please participate in the Reviewer’s Lounge thing? *makes a pathetic face* I feel all alone here. Like, especially if you put a story up before, *stares* it would really be nice if you were to write an extremely long review. But, I suppose if no one wants to no one has to, so yeah.

**, that was a looooong review. o_O

Haha, sorry I didn't read that for so long... I'd be happy to do some long reviews (although I realllyyy doubt I could make them anywhere near as long as yours, lol), if anyone posts anymore here... I can't really review for that last one right now, but I can try to get around to it sometime in the next few days :)

Lol, yeah, that would be good.

For my review I just decided "Hey, instead of reading it through twice, I could just copy and paste all the things that I like/dislike and comment on them underneath!

Who'd have thought it would turn out like this? o_O

It's really weird now.

Well, I decided to follow in Me Or The Wallpaper's (wow, that's a long name) footsteps and just copy and paste for some parts as I went along, lol... I guess we'll see how this turns out...

I have to agree with MOTW about a couple of things... I thought it was really nice how you had Fai and his magic as one being (my explanation sucks, but since you wrote it, I'm sure you can understand what I'm talking about, lol), but I've never really thought that Fai thinks of his magic as good or helpful, either.

I also really liked how you said that everyday interactions like smiling, walking, and touching were forms of magic; in a way, it's true, and even more so with Fai.

"The ninja... observes Fai’s smile, and finds he knows much more from this smile than he knows from Fai’s own words. Fai is begging. Fai is begging and pleading help me, help me please but wait no don’t help me, hate me, hate me instead NO! don’t hate me, please don’t hate me, take me away NO! stay away from me, please stay away, I don’t want to hurt you!"

Okay, this was my favorite part out of the whole thing. I thought it described him perfectly, because he really does seem to always want help but push it away at the same time. Also, obviously, run-on sentences are usually a bad thing, but it really worked here, because it was on purpose and seemed to fit with Fai's desperate cycle of emotions (okay, again, the way I worded that made no sense, but... Hopefully you get it).

"And as he slides his fingers down the taller man’s forearm, Fai’s eye flickers up to catch his gaze and the taller man sees the underlying smirk beneath his blank gaze. He is mocking. He mocks the ninja, asking with his hands do you feel me, Kurogane? Do you feel my warm hands holding yours? Don’t you wish for me not to call you by your full name? Or do you like this, Kurogane? Do you see what you did? Do you see the monster in front of you? but Fai stops and his eye hardens and Kurogane knows he said too much."

I really liked this part, too. I don't even really have an explanation for that part, except that I thought it really captured both of their emotions, and Fai's sudden coldness in Infinity.

"Because while Fai speaks, he does not talk, he does not tell, he does not explain anything, and the ninja wonders if at the time when Kurogane could not understand, the magician told him everything. He would be the one to do that, to tell the truth while simultaneously lie through his teeth. It frustrates him, it annoys him, it angers him and irks him and confuses him and worries him and maybe damn it, maybe everything about this magician makes him care. And he wants the truth from the person that he maybe possibly loves, so he will push through and fight and force the magician to tell the truth but then Tokyo Syaoran and Infinity Sakura and Valeria Fai and Celes Ashura."

The first part was just wonderful, and I've wondered about that before, too (but then, hasn't every KuroFai fan wondered about Yamano?). It definitely seems like something Fai would do. At first, I didn't get the end of that last sentence, but once I did, I thought it was great. I'm not really sure how you could clear that up, though, without changing how it sounds...

"Because there was no time and Fai was screaming for him to let go and Kurogane didn’t have the time to think how much his arm meant to him or how much Fai meant to him and in that moment he just doesn’t give a ** anymore because Kurogane loves Fai. Kurogane loves Fai, the honest, brutally loyal ninja loves the lying, painfully gentle magician, and an arm is nothing compared to what Fai is to him and what Fai is to their family."

All I can say is: Absolutely adorable! Loved the descriptions of the ninja and magician; for some reason, they really stood out to me.

"“You’ll get it back,” the red-eyed man states gruffly. Fai glances at him in surprise and he looks back intently. “You’ll get it back, but you might not use it often. The power of a mage is not only to what extent he can use his magic, but to what degree he can control it. I’ll make sure you’ll get it back.” A glare is directed at the blond, a challenge to see if there will be truth within that lone golden eye if-not if, but when-it turns to blue."

Hmm... I don't know... Something in that dialogue just didn't quite click... But that might just be me, lol... That last sentence was, again, great, though. It definitely showed Kurogane's determination.

"Fai loves. He loves like a mother loves her child, like a friend loves another friend, like a lover loves his lover. He loves fiercely, passionately, and Kurogane cannot think of another that loves this wholeheartedly other than his own parents. Fai loves Sakura, a soft-spoken love mutually returned. Fai loves Mokona, a sweet love of comfort and camaraderie. Fai loves Syaoran, a quietly acknowledged love with pain and hope and sacrifice and happiness. Fai loves Kurogane, a simple, complete love that means much more."

Again, just adorable! I have to agree with MOTW again, though. I think it's not really a better love, just a different kind of love...

"Unfortunately, Fai's magic returns to him sooner rather than later at the sacrifice of his own son. With his magic once again settling in familiar territory, Fai fights alongside Kurogane with a steely determination and a grief-stricken heart to make sure Syaoran hasn’t died in vain. The magician will not die tonight."

Such a bittersweet ending! Perfect! The last sentence showed Fai's new determination, too, which I thought was important in Clow.

...Okay, that ended up being a lot longer than I expected, and now that I see it all written out, it doesn't seem very helpful... Sorry!

I think it must be helpful. I mean, I might put up one of my own stories because I think you and me are being so helpful, picking apart things piece by piece and everything.

Of course, if i were to do that, then it would only you being helpful because I clearly can not review my own work. Then again, maybe more people would be participating by then. I got this idea for the reviewer's lounge on the Harry Potter forums and it worked brilliantly there, so yeah. ^_^'

That'd be good :)

Yeah, it's too bad that there aren't many people here...

...I'm nervous to show this since I've strong feeling there are part big mistakes in it...But yeah.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5029612/1/Strip_poker

I apologize for the irrelevant post, but I was just notified of this thread. I want to read all these stories too! But... I have go to field hockey in a bit and contacts are bugging me :S But good idea wall-seme! And *points to Forsaken-sama* Q_Q I MISSED HER AGAIN! Nyuuuu~!

O.O ACK! I'm so sorry, I almost kinda completely forgot about this until I accidentally clicked this link on my email and remembered I posted on here and that people might have been replying. Anyways, thanks for the feedback, Wallpaper-san, BeccaBear-san, both of you are very kind ^__^ It is true that some parts were rather run-on-esque, that is one of my rather LARGE problems of mine :P But thank you for pointing it out! And as for that one part with Tokyo Syaoran Infinity Sakura and etc., I meant for it to sound abrupt and almost but not too confusing. It pretty much symbolized one world and one certain person in that world that affected Fai the most. I couldn't figure out a way to incorporate those overwhelming feelings into a sentence that was concise enough for my liking, so I used a fragment of sorts, which I most always do in these circumstances :) To be honest, if I tried to elaborate even a little bit more, I'd have to go all out and explain every tidbit, which is a problem of mine T-T but I digress. And as for that other bit where I wrote with Fai loving Kurogane and all, I most definitely did not mean it like Fai loving Kurogane more than everyone else D: Eep, sorry if it sounded like that! I'm also a huge fan of the "equal, but different" idea, so yeah :D I meant that Fai's love for Kurogane was something too hard for him (actually, me *shifty eyes*) to define completely, so that what I meant by his love being "so much more." Sorry if I screwed up on that ^_^;;;

Er, so yeah. Random reply after 500 years of not being on ff.net o.o Been busy with school and such. Which really sucks because I haven't been able to write any other stories or continue with FGHW D: I'll come back to it soon, dammit *mutters* er....yeah. Oh, and hi twinkle-chan! *waves frantically*

Hopefully I'll come back within a few days to review Tuliharja-san's story, but now I has to go back to the math book I was ignoring T-T Good night peoples! :D

HIHIHI! If my dad decides to be nice and not make me go to field hockey practice in the rain then I'll read all of your guys' lovely stories (:

Err, since this was part of that flukey tripple post:

*looks at wall-chan and beccabear's posts* *swears like a trucker* $#!+ son. Those reviews are crazy long. But I think that the way you guys did it was smart 8D I would never have thought of that. Maybe I'll start doing that too. Well, it seems I wont be going to field hockey practice *cheers* so I'm going to attempt to write something deep. Albeit, it might be an utter failure.

Umm.. shizz? It tripple posted. Okay, I guess I'll use this one for the post I was going to make. :S

---

LOL. So I read beccabear's story and I tried to review but found that I had already reviewed it - september 3rd, 2008. And I also noticed that I was kinda on the bridge of a lying reviewer and an honest reviewer. But since I have matured over the past year since I reviewed, I shall review again here. And good this time XP

---

BeccaBear:

Like I said in the first review, your story was not sucky and it was a very unique idea that I'd never heard of. I've never thought of the dance idea before or read another one like it. And from what I noticed -I may have been a bit rushed- the spelling, verb tenses, grammar etc. was great. You including a lot of their thoughts and feelings about certain things and the lyrics fit well too. A couple suggestions would be not to make it so jumpy because it seemed that each sentence kind of changed topic a little bit and the sentences didn't flow very much. As well as just a nit-picky thing for me, I recommend not using commas when you don't have to. *scolds self for using one right there* In my opinion, when you're writing something serious or writing anything in general, it always sounds better if you use 'do not' instead of 'don't' or 'cannot' instead of 'can't'. Oh and also words like 'it's'. But like I said, that's just my opinion. Overall, great idea and sorry for being a liar on the first review. xP

Thanks for the review! Yeah, I know it was really jumpy... Heh... I'm trying to work on that in the fics that I've been writing lately...

Oh, I didn't even think about the contractions! That's a really good point! But as far as the commas go... I know what you mean, but I don't think it would even be possible for me to write without them, lol

(Gah! Just in this post, I used 5 contractions and 4 commas! XD)

Hopefully I'll come back within a few days to review Tuliharja-san's story, but now I has to go back to the math book I was ignoring T-T Good night peoples! :D

That would be really nice of you if you could Forsaken-san.

Sorry guys, I must sound all bad and sort of, but I won't give feedback about your stories...(Even I would read those.), because first of all, I'm really bad and then I would feel like a cheater so yeah. ^^' You just have to deal that what I'll give your review boxes on your stories if I'll review.

BeccaBear: For the commas, it's only in the writing part, not the dialogue. Commas in dialogue sound perfectly fine.

Sorry guys, I must sound all bad and sort of, but I won't give feedback about your stories...(Even I would read those.), because first of all, I'm really bad and then I would feel like a cheater so yeah. ^^' You just have to deal that what I'll give your review boxes on your stories if I'll review.

^^LIAR! xP Everybody can review, and in your defense, it's your betas fault for not explaining what you're doing wrong.

edit*

BAAHAHAHAHAH! Speaking of lying reviews. I just got this review on the CRAPIEST story I've ever written in my life. It's so bad, that I couldn't even read past the first paragraph when I went to re-read some of my old stories. -________-"

From: dhgdhgf () -------------------

i think you need another chapter and you were a bit too physical when you did the archie and atlanta part but i was really happy that you didn't put in JXT part in there but good writing.:)

^^LIAR! xP Everybody can review, and in your defense, it's your betas fault for not explaining what you're doing wrong.

I'm not liar. xP Really? Even I would only look style and sort of things? (I can't say anything about grammar and stuff like that...Not my piece of cake.) Yeah, I think so. Usually my beta just sends me 'correct' version...(That why I love my other beta; she puts correct version and my version in same post so I can compare those two.)..,but I still think I should look more carefully what I write.

(: righteo!

'kay! Then I guess I can give some feedback.

I checked twice and since I didn’t find any other stories to check up, I only looked this two. Okay, before the authors’ start look the feedback what I gave them I want just say this; every author has different way to write and style, so I’ve taken you both as a unique person when I’ve check up your story. Also, I didn’t read what Me Or The Wallpaper had put or BeccaBear93, because that could had affect my words. xP Also! I really hope you won’t feel all disturbed and that I’m a person who should shoot in the moon because I’m too noisy. So, I don’t want offend either of you. And I tried my best giving useful critic.

BeccaBear93;

First of all; I really like that song and I think it suits this couple really well. (I’ve actually seen KuroFai videos about this song…)

Okay, since this was your first one I can bet your quality is already much higher, even thought this one was too, telling the truth. But, there were few slightly disturbing things.

Sort of the whole setting thing was little bit messy, even it was from their POVs’, but still. You like started Celes and Fai's rambling and went Kurogane-mood and then showed at first how he felt against Fai's all lying...etc. and then you pointed that dramatic turn. But, then we jump again Fai's POV and you're highlighting that he gave up. Not anything wrong, but I thought we already deal Tokyo? You're sailing lot of between that, but eventually you end up decision we've deal it.

The second thing which I noted was Kurogane. The way you put him was good, but there were two points where it failed, because you wanted me Kurogane and Fai fic. There first one was Ashura-mood-killing. That point was little bit lacking whole KuroFai, but I accept it, since we've to think Kurogane is ninja who wanted protect him...Even the ending clause of that all...It just felt somehow disturbing. The second thing was that he clearly pointed out "... Not that it matters, I don’t really call him by name anyways". Yup, the characterizing was correct but the time was wrong. Because before that (and after) you're pointing out he is caring Fai and then goes that. Otherwise there wasn't any other things which I would seen 'disturbing' or sort of.

I really liked how you kept both Fai and Kurogane in character and how the lyrics followed before their thoughts. Even, I've to admire some words didn't suit so well Kurogane. I was nearly waiting Fai's thoughts after that. (cf. "I won’t last long -- In this world so wrong" it sort of would suit better Fai at that point, even 4 first lyrics suited well Kurogane.) I think the song suited so well, because it highlighted Celes part and what had happen there. Not only that, but also that how Kurogane is seeing Fai. The way how he could see behind his all lies...I also liked the new thought behind this all. That Kurogane wasn't anymore so sure about Fai. That he had changed but in which way? Even that, you showed he was still ready to 'dance' with him. Heh, metaphor about 'dancing with devil' and then after that how they faced death everyday was nice connecting. And the way how you described their dance...Oh my. It reminded me sword-dancing. "It’s a dangerous, complicated dance, and one wrong move could mean disaster." That's exactly what's. Dangerous, complicated dancing...Which is incredibly beautiful when it goes smoothly. And then you put how Kurogane loved when he at times caught up at him and could drop of his mask. And even he couldn't anymore do that so often, he still would continue that. Not to mention you didn't make him hypocritical, when he clearly admit it was okay.

The ending was interesting yet cute. The fact in Kurogane's side they're still same. Nothing has change, but in Fai's side...he is ready to change and dance with him. Oh, gosh! I loved that "Hold on for just a bit longer, and maybe I’ll be ready to dance with you... Kuro-tan." Especially this part "maybe I’ll be ready to dance with you... Kuro-tan.". The italic part with and the three small spots before Kuro-tan. How much more weight you can put in single clause I ask? It was perfect weighting.

The Forsaken Girl;

I've actually started reading your one-shot more than once...I guess this was third time. The reason why's that you write really 'ornament style' like I like to call it. Your way of writing is more than describing and colourful. You paint there and here, which can choke reader at first. Yet, even this there is something really...goodnight-fairytale-storyteller-ish. The way you write, should read aloud. It just gives the reader (at least for me) it should, which I don't count that bad thing. But because of too many 'ornaments' in it, made it little bit too hard to read at times. The thing is, you seem to love put some extra. Like extra's extra. Like when you described Fai's acting is faking. You pointed out it 'normal' way how it's fake, like an example his smile. You at first told why it was, but not only that, but also it all levels. Like when you described in his eyes different emotions what he had and how those mixed. I think that's the best way trying to explain it. It points it was quite tiring when you went it so...'tight comb' I'd to repeat, so I would understand the meaning. Even this, there was always 'fresh-points' which were really helpful. And those points were those when you showed something like 'Kurogane thought' or stuff like that.

There was three POVs'. Okay, not really, but that how I call it. The clear ones were Kurogane and Fai. And then his magic at first. I actually saw it quite humorous when you described his magic. Like it was living, which it was; "- - the magic is restless, pulsing faster throughout his body, trying to find some kind of release within its cage. The magic finds it unfair that Fai uses all of his other magic - -" The way you made it 'character' was really something. It was like Fai's other side, the side which made him that multi-personality magician which confused greatly Kurogane. At that point I must laugh and sigh for relief, because I was kind of really happy how that magic inside of Fai 'disappeared' or better would say, found better way to get used. It was violating Fai...So the end's magic, was rather this opposite. Take the second last piece which starts "Fai loves." Until its end for example. It really shows the "hardest kind of magic", the magic of love. It's like the whole theme's closing thing, even the last piece of your story paints dark clouds in horizon, showing the 'evil' magic is going to come with him. This time for revenge? You don't show it, but it gives readers the satisfied feeling. The feeling it wasn't that bad thing Fai lost his magic (and partly gave it).

The way how you put Kurogane as the 'watcher' in your whole story was really nicely done. (Expect almost near of the end, when you gave him some room and put some weight at that part when he sacrificed his arm and "he just doesn’t give a **" -then he came none-watcher in the story's line at that point. But it was good thing. It 'broke' the story, so we could go second last piece. And it also showed what he really felt. What he had learned.) You didn't slip for it and you showed us, in his eyes, what kind of person Fai was. How his magic was going on him. But you also showed the relationship between them; it bases, it journey and how it nearly crashed. The kiss was sweet. It was like seal for their promise. The ending was really sweet. (Before the dark clouds-piece.)

Also, I liked how you put actual talking in the end. How at first you described it bases and all. The moment, after everything has settled as peaceful as it could, was correct. It like broke the quiet surface of water and made waves in it. The two replied which made them was comforting. How Fai was doubtful was he anymore what he was and how Kurogane pointed out he will get it, but it wouldn't matter even he wouldn't use it. That he would be perfect, no matter what.

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