I was wondering if anyone had any advice on where to post. I looked around and it would seem Games-D&D in general has much more traffic than the FR specific forums (though I don't know if thats a good thing). I'm looking for thoughful feedback that is tactful, critical, and focused on the content. Please hold my hand and take this newbie through the fanfiction.net tour.

Thanks,

-BoA.

-BoA.

-BoA.

-BoA.

I'd do away with the first paragraph and the most of the second. It's info-dumpish and has the clumsy pan-the-camera-in effect that is all right in visual media, but doesn't do much for written fiction. Yes, it's done in a lot of published FR novels, but published FR novels aren't known for their quality. Also, too many sentences in the second paragraph begin with whether "with" or "within". While this may be intentional, I'm not sure what it accomplishes there and it comes off as simply repetitive.

Your formatting for dialogue is a little bizarre. There's no need to begin a new sentence when the same character speaks, so--

as he replied,

"True. Is she in the master study?"

should simply be:

as he replied, "True. Is she in the master study?"

And sentences like--

Leukael scratched his spiky golden blonde hair that messily adorned his head like a splintered crown, which was now revealed in the hallway's light, as he replied

--is incredibly messy and not so easy to follow. The point of this sentence should be that Leukael replies, not his hair. But the descriptors for his hair choke this sentence and by the time you get to "replied", it's already lost focus. By the way, "blonde" is feminine, so unless Leukael is a transvestite/transsexual, use "blond."

his awe striking surroundings that seemed to demand attention.

Why "seemed to demand" rather than just "demanded"? They're objects, not people.

Even with each piece possessing their individual nook of honor between the arches of the hall, he still seemed to exude no outward regard for the numerous decorative elements (ranging from the vivid sculptures to the immaculate suits of armor) as he passed. Of course looks can be deceiving; Leukael had received an extensive education on the genealogy of his family and each of the individuals’ achievements. It was so intensive that as he passed he habitually recited to himself the names of each ancestor that the corresponding item had belonged to. This was not an oddity among his people; however, the pride sun elves take in their ancestry and its history are almost as well known as the race’s arrogance – an aspect Leukael distanced himself from at every chance he had.

To be honest, this entire paragraph reads like gibberish. It's so much irrelevant details and ones that don't have much to do with each other, at that. It took me a moment to connect his genealogy with the objects because it's not immediately obvious that they're objects depicting his family's history and achievements. Then there's the obligatory nod to the stereotype of sun elves being arrogant and supremacist while telling that, nonono, the character is not like that. Here's a suggestion--show it. Not tell.

made his revelry less restful

Look up "revelry." It doesn't mean what you think it means.

The bit about the scents is fairly interesting, but it's a massive info-dump and clumsy as hell. The following paragraph, describing the library, is likewise. I'd personally do away with that at least. The key to getting and keeping the reader's interest is to get to the important and interesting part early on. Once you've hooked someone, then it becomes easier to force them to wade through less-than-stirring descriptions. But if you lose their interest right now, most people aren't going to read further.

Phaeriel was the classical elven beauty complete with a slender hourglass figure

What? Elven females in the Realms are a bit... lacking in the curve department. What hourglass figure?

It hung from a single loop around her neck, the top half was on the verge of being tight in complimentary fashion and the skirt fanned outward, pleating, and ending just below the knees.

Is this meant to be elegant? It sounds tacky. Especially the neck-loop.

You look just like him you know? So handsome. Elohyn's actions remind me of Rynn too and look what has happened to him.

Whoa, punctuation. Comma, comma.

Leukael's eldest brother, Elohyn, was a part of the Knights in Silver for a few years and then struck out on his own to pursue the treasures that lay hidden in the Silver Marches. Elohyn and his treasure-hunting band were very successful, and he gained a reputation as an intelligent, insightful, and enigmatic elf. This reputation eventually led to more comfortable positions serving as advisors to people of minor influence throughout the Silver Marches. Still, he periodically would disappear on expeditions to uncover a long lost treasure that he heard of in his travels. He always returned with an embellished story, unique treasure, and his trademark self-satisfied grin. Elohyn left on his most recent venture more than a month ago, and both Leukael and Phaeriel fear they have lost yet another member of their family.

More info-dump. I didn't even bother reading it, just skimmed right past. And then again with the next info-dump. And the one after that. And the one after. The dialogue's pretty emotionless, the name "Charlotte" sticks out like a sore thumb, and I lost interest.

Are you a fan of Richard Baker's Last Mythal trilogy, by any chance? The flat prose, info-dumping parade, dead dialogue and the protagonist's personality feel familiar.

I should caution you to not read too far into my writing as I often times write at late hours and I have lack luster grammar start with. I typically have a friend who enjoys reading my writing proof it, but I am not able at this time to get in touch with her. Anyhow, onto the review . . .

You pretty much answered why I have the first and second paragraph there. It is consistent with the style and it is deliberately intended to paint a picture for the reader to place themself within. Though most readers who will ever look at this writing are familiar with the setting it would be overlooking an initial hook to draw the reader in that I can't imagine done another way aside from action which is equally cliche.

The with and demand points I will address, thank you for pointing those out.

I suppose I see your point on the hard to follow sentence structure. I would remedy that particular case with changing the which to that and eliminating the commas. Aside from that describing someone's hair as they scratch when they talk doesn't seem all that complicated to me. I will change the blond(e) spelling issue.

With this information dump I made it to establish the reputation of sun elves for their veneration of their heritage and history. This paragraph helps to foster that idea as does another segment I am sure you will look at it a little farther in. The one about the bag. However, I will look at making the link between the two much more obvious. Again, thank you for that.

Bah, I thought there was a term for elven rest I always confuse the spelling with that one (which I know is quite the opposite). I'll change it to meditate or trance.

As for your point on the important information first. I'm considering doing a prolouge where the last few moments of the brother is detailed and everyone else except for Leukael is heading out, which will give the reader part of the point right away. I agree that the volume of descriptions are a bit much to start with. A prolouge or a new first chapter will remedy this (in which I will try not to be overly descriptive).

Honestly, I haven't read that. I felt out of all the characters (as the story progresses) Leukael was one of the two characters I didn't develop enough. With Leukael specifically my concern was a question of whether or not I established a distinct character. The other character's was an issue of a lack of backstory, but I've turned that concern into the second book. I actually plan on re-reading your story about the daughter of the Harper Mage a few times before writing that one.

Dialouge is something I really do have to work on. This is my first attempt at writing and I realized when writing this it was going to be an issue I would have to address. If you have any pointers I would appreciate it.

As for Charlotte's name, I thought some conventional names weren't considered against type. One of my friends suggested alternative spellings for conventional names but I believe that would just underscore the use of the name. I'm not in love with the name, so I will think of an alternative. The name change, to me, is not a pressing issue though.

Thank you very much for your detailed feedback,

-BoA.

-BoA.

So it is. Am I interested in employing it? No. I'd have been more scathing, even, if the material deserved it (and by that I mean being awful rather than simply dull. Unfortunately, most everything posted in this section tends to be average and boring rather than godawful and mockable; one more flaw with the fandom!).

It is consistent with the style and it is deliberately intended to paint a picture for the reader to place themself within.

So because most FR novels are written in this mediocre way, you want to follow suit? Well, okay. By the way, "painting with words" requires finesse and linguistic flair. It doesn't mean "plop down an exposition." What you do is coloring inside the lines of D&D spinoff novels, not painting.

it would be overlooking an initial hook to draw the reader in that I can't imagine done another way aside from action which is equally cliche.

Or maybe you could start off with the dialogue immediately following those yawn-inducing pan-the-camera-in paragraphs. Who says anything about clichés, even? The exact details of what you do may be clichéd (for example: it begins in a tavern where the protagonist meets his potential would-be party members, or it begins in an obscure little village where the farmboy is waiting for his old wizard mentor); the way (with action, with dialogue, or with info-dumps) you choose to begin a story would simply be a technique. One of my favorite authors, China Miéville, begins his first Bas-Lag book with a first-person narrative that rambles on a bit and which some people skip. And then the book really begins with a man having sex with an insectoid xenian. Yum. Of course, there're readers who find that off-putting, but it's undeniably weird and fairly different.

Here're a few links to Limyaael's rants on the subject of beginnings:

http://limyaael.livejournal.com/129516.html

http://limyaael.livejournal.com/186438.html

http://limyaael.livejournal.com/307562.html

Bah, I thought there was a term for elven rest I always confuse the spelling with that one (which I know is quite the opposite). I'll change it to meditate or trance.

Try reverie.

I actually plan on re-reading your story about the daughter of the Harper Mage a few times before writing that one.

I'm tempted to recommend that you read something better; I wrote that thing so very long ago. To say the very least, it's imitative and my writing back then was rather unambitious and immature (though perhaps less pretentious than what I write now, ahaha. Oh, to be so young and unrestrained again). But if you find it useful, then I'm glad.

There're characters in FR with names like... was it Catherine? Or something like that, in one of RAS' books, but then RAS gives his dwarves silly names and gives his male characters names like Elbereth (that's the queen of stars, one of the goddesses in Tolkien's verse) and Artemis. Even most FR readers raise eyebrows at those. As much as I detest Ed Greenwood's writing, he--as the creator of FR--provides a much more reliable source. Of course, even he thought naming something Aglarond as "homage" to Tolkien was a good idea, but at least he hasn't run around giving his characters names like Jennifer, Richard, or the like. (Of course, even then some of his made-up names are pretty hilarious, but hey. It's his setting, so his rules.)

Hell, even Cyrene's name is Greek, and if I had written those stories today, she'd have had a name with less of a real-world connection. It's just not as immediately obvious, I suppose, and the FR pantheon used to have Tyche (ripped straight out of Greek mythology) and still has Tyr (Norse). Let's not get started on the whole ripped-out-of-Celtic-stuff Moonshae Isles. But names like "Charlotte" is used for real people in the modern world, and it'll jump out at practically everybody.

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